Chapter 42
My mother’s funeral was held quietly.
Many people came to offer their condolences.
Starting with the Po family next door, the apothecary we had once relied on, villagers who occasionally greeted us, and even the people from the So family estate.
I especially remember being surprised at how many of the So family members came—some I had barely exchanged a word with. Mr. Hwang even burst into tears while bowing to me.
“Oh, what has happened! You worked so hard for her—how could this happen? The heavens are heartless. How is this little one supposed to live alone…?”
“Uncle…”
I smiled wryly and said,
“I’m fine.”
Truly.
Perhaps it was because I had cried so much beside my mother that day, or maybe because reality hadn’t fully set in while holding the funeral, but strangely, my head felt empty and no tears came.
I was just… a little tired. A deep sense of emptiness weighed on me, making everything feel meaningless.
‘What have I done all this time?’
That feeling stayed with me until the final day of the funeral.
My mother’s body was buried behind our house, on a hill.
I had wanted to bury her alongside Seodan, but that place was deep in the mountains, making it difficult to transport the coffin. At least the grave faced the mountain, which was a small comfort.
I watched blankly as the coffin was lowered, covered with earth, and the mound was built. When the grave was finished, the workers packed up and left the hill.
The mourners bowed in front of the grave and offered words of comfort to me. Only then did I pull myself together to respond to them. One by one, they left, and soon I was alone.
“…….”
I stared blankly at the grave, then collapsed onto the ground.
It felt strange.
It was strange that my mother was in that grave. Strange that I wouldn’t see her from now on. Strange that I now had no place to return to.
Only then did I truly realize: ah, I am alone again.
‘What have I…’
I reached out to hold my trembling hands.
Rustle.
Startled by the sound behind me, I turned around and widened my eyes.
“Miss…?”
A young girl, holding her back straight while her face was partially hidden by a veil.
It was unmistakably her.
I looked around. Darkness had fallen all around. Though it had seemed like midday when everyone left, I had apparently sat by the grave too long and lost track of time.
I hurriedly got to my feet and approached her.
“Miss, what brings you here…?”
She answered simply,
“To pay respects.”
Then she lowered her back and politely bowed before the grave.
I watched in astonishment, and when she finished and looked at me, I snapped out of it and bowed in return. I stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to say.
“Uh… thank you for coming, but how did you even get here? I never imagined you would come. I don’t mean I’m upset—you’re usually hesitant to go out…”
“…….”
“Is it okay for you to be here at this hour? Did you bring guards? Shouldn’t you be heading back soon…?”
“I’m fine.”
She replied calmly.
“I came with Father. He had something to do, so I came up first.”
“Oh, with Lord Jang…”
I nodded. Silence fell briefly. I scratched my head and glanced at her, mumbling awkwardly,
“I… really am thankful you came. Mother wanted to see you too.”
“…….”
“I talked about you so much. Every night I told her about my day with you, and she would listen happily, though secretly curious about you.”
“…….”
“I wanted to introduce you when we visited the Namgung estate together this time… really…”
“Mm.”
She continued in my place.
“It’s a pity.”
I smiled faintly at her, then looked back at the grave and said bitterly,
“Mother would have been happy to see you.”
She didn’t say anything. I, too, just stared at the grave.
A chilly wind blew past.
Winter was coming. Pak Lahyeon was in the southern part of the Central Plains, so winters weren’t too harsh, but it would still be a while before the grass by the grave turned green.
When spring came, would flowers bloom by the grave too? Would this emptiness fade then…? I spoke without realizing it.
“I’ve always wanted a family.”
She looked back at me.
“Actually, my mother isn’t my real mother. My real parents abandoned me. They argued over who wouldn’t take me, and in the end, left me with my grandmother and left.”
“…….”
“Of course, my grandmother was kind. She treated me well. But the loneliness never went away. I wondered what it would be like to have a real family, real parents…”
“…….”
“So when I got a mother, I tried even harder to do right by her.”
I took a breath, my chest tightening.
“If I did better, if I devoted myself like a real child, maybe this time… maybe she would recognize me. Maybe I could have a family.”
“…….”
“Still, I always had a bit of anxiety. Because I wasn’t real. Could a mother really care for me, someone not truly her blood, or would she hate me…?”
“…….”
“The more anxious I felt, the harder I tried.”
I laughed bitterly.
“But she already considered me family.”
“…….”
“She already thought of me as her child. Even if I deceived her, even if I wasn’t honest, she didn’t hate me. On the contrary… she wanted me to be happy.”
“…….”
“Do you know what I thought when I heard that?”
My laughter faded.
“Perhaps I was the one who drew the line, thinking I would never truly have a family…”
I looked back at the grave and reached out, brushing the soil. My hands trembled as I touched it.
“I finally had a family.”
“…….”
“I finally heard ‘I love you.’”
“…….”
“How could it end like this? How could she leave like this?”
“…….”
“Again… again…”
I muttered.
“Being alone is too cruel…”
I finally lowered my head. Breathing became difficult again. It felt like sinking into a thick swamp. If I were submerged completely…
Suddenly—
“……!”
Startled, I looked up. She had leapt into my arms, clutching me desperately.
“Why… why are you thinking like that?”
“Miss…?”
“Why are you alone? There’s the So family, the Hwangs, even that Aso kid! The Chief of Defense is there, and my father too. And…”
“…….”
“I’m here too.”
My body shivered. She hugged me tighter, saying,
“I’ll stay by your side.”
“…….”
“I won’t leave you. I’ll never let you be alone.”
“…….”
“I will… be your family.”
“…….”
“So…”
Her hand touched my face. She wiped my tears. Only then did I realize my cheeks were soaked.
“Don’t cry.”
She said softly, like a sigh.
“I also don’t want you to cry.”
Hearing that, I wanted to smile briefly.
I wanted to joke about how much I had cried in front of her, and how I hadn’t minded then, so why now?
I wanted to whine playfully, but no words came. Only the sound of my sobs escaped.
At that moment, I finally realized.
I had never truly cried freely until now.
“Ah… ah…”
Tears naturally flowed. I reached out and embraced her.
“Ahhh…!”
She silently comforted me. Her small hands were so reassuring, her warmth in my arms so comforting. I cried for a long while, letting out loud, wrenching sobs.
Then, my mother’s final words echoed in my mind.
“Take care of yourself.”
‘I will. I really will. So please… you too, Mother…’
Night deepened.
Only the lantern beside us flickered, illuminating the two of us.
