Chapter 06
I Might Not Love You
7
In my first year of high school, our classes were moved to the teaching building. Maybe I looked too pitiful sitting all alone, or maybe it was because our new homeroom teacher hadnât yet realized I was the âbossâ of Huzhou Road, but she actually arranged a deskmate for me!
The moment I met my new seatmate, I felt like Sun Wukong, finally released after being suppressed under Five Finger Mountain for hundreds of years. I was so excited I almost pounced on her to scratch her fur and pick out fleas. Until the class reshuffling, I always sat with that girl named Tingting. Hand in hand, I trained this girlâwho at first wouldnât respond no matter how I tried to talk to her, like an autistic childâinto someone who could, during activity class, sit on a little stool and deliver half a periodâs worth of stand-up comedy.
I remember once, I had my period but stupidly still ate an ice cream cone. As a result, during geography class, my stomach hurt so much I fainted on the desk and stayed unconscious the entire period. At that time, geography was my least favorite subject, and the teacher didnât really care about discipline, so it wasnât unusual for me to sleep through the whole class anywayâŠ
When the bell finally rang, I woke up groggily and complained to my deskmate:
âYou didnât care about me at all! I fainted from the pain and you didnât even notice! Last time you had a stomachache, who took you to the school clinic? Youâre heartless!â
The girl named Tingting stood tall and elegant, looking down at me for a full ten seconds before saying arrogantly,
âDonât think I donât know. You were obviously just sleeping.â
Me: ââŠâ
Recalling this later, I retold the whole scene to San Ye and asked him what he thought.
While sketching a blueprint, he half-heartedly replied,
âPretty good, very much in line with your usual storytelling style.â
I glared at him.
âItâs not a joke! It really happened! I really fainted from the pain!â
âThatâs impossible, who wouldâŠâ Halfway through, he realized the atmosphere was off, looked up at me, and quickly changed his tune:
âAh, youâre so pitiful. You actually fainted from the pain!â
I nodded.
âIf you had been my deskmate back then, what would you have done?â
San Ye replied,
âTo be honest, if youâd lain on your desk for an entire geography class, I would have thought you were just sleeping too⊠Ah! No, no, thatâs not what I meant!â
Under the threat of my glare, he immediately corrected himself:
âIf it were me, I definitely wouldnât let you faint from the pain!â
âFor example?â I expected him to say heâd take me straight to the clinic.
Instead, he said,
âFor example, I would help you eat the ice cream cone, so the tragedy would be prevented at its root!â
Looking at his faceâso certain heâd given the âcorrect answerâ and waiting for my praiseâI just grabbed a homemade fruit popsicle from the freezer, handed it to him, and said,
âJust stick to drawing your blueprints.â
8
One time during PE class, after playing ping pong, San Ye and I just sat down on the concrete platform, sharing one pair of earphones to listen to music. I remember we were listening to a song by Khalil Fong that day, his cover of Red Bean. He wouldnât stop talking, going on and on about how amazing Khalil Fong was, even though at that time the singer wasnât well known.
Heâs recommended many singers to meâusually pretty niche ones. But he had good taste. Later, those singers often became famous, even hugely popular. Then San Ye would look all forlorn and disappointed, as if something had been stolen from him.
It was just like the day my reader group suddenly became lively. I started spending more time chatting in the group than talking to him. I prepared gifts for my readers with more care than I did for our dates. That day, he looked at me the same way and said,
âI donât want so many people to know about you.â
I asked him,
âDidnât you say the thing you like most about me is how good I am to people?â
He shook his head.
âNo, you remember wrong. I donât like you being good to others. I only like it when youâre good to me.â
His hurt expression instantly reminded me of the day Khalil Fong won a bunch of awards. San Ye had worn that same complicated look, saying, âFrom now on, lots of people are going to like Khalil Fong.â
Sometimes, San Ye was really like a sensitive little animalâone without claws, but with a sharp instinct for danger. I patted the back of his hand and told him seriously,
âMaybe one day, a lot of people will like me. But donât worry. My favorite will always beâŠâ
He lowered his head, waiting for my answer. But when I tried to continue, I realized any kind of promise would sound unbearably cheesy. So instead, I clapped him on the shoulder and said,
âMy favorite will definitely be the best-looking one!â
Later, San Ye was so mad he skipped lunch.
But in my heart, you are the best-looking one.
9
Iâve asked San Ye many times,
âIn high school, what was the most unforgettable thing about us for you?â
He always gave me several âbrilliantâ answers:
Answer One:
âThe hamburgers at the snack shop downstairs were so good! Five yuan each. For a while, we skipped dinner just to eat those every day. Oh, and the chicken wraps for five yuan each tooâthey were amazing!â
Answer Two:
âYou told dirty jokes, and they were really funny!â
Answer Three:
âOn the way to catch the school bus after class, there was a dark corridor with no lights. I loved walking that stretch with you the most! Heh heh heh~â
I pressed further:
âWasnât there any specific moment that left a deep impression?â
He replied,
âSpecific? Oh yeah, that dirty joke about the little mushroomâI remember that best. It was that one day whenâŠâ
I cut him off, my face full of black lines.
âOkay, enough! Werenât you the one who claimed you had a crush on me since childhood? After all those years of secretly liking me, you canât even recall one meaningful thing?â
He shot back,
âThen do you have any deeply memorable moment?â
With full confidence, I said,
âOf course! Like the time we sat together on the ping pong table listening to music. The sky was so blue, the clouds so big, the leaves so green. We shared one pair of earphones, listening to Red Bean. Iâll never forget that scene.â
San Ye went quiet for a moment, probably recalling the same memory. Then he looked a little aggrieved and said,
âActually, in high school, we didnât spend that much time together. We donât really have that many special memories. Back then, the person you liked wasnât even me.â
That made me fall silent too. I suddenly felt guilty, like Iâd been caught cheating on a date with the guy next door. To break the awkwardness, I laughed dryly:
âAh well, itâs been so many years. Forgetting a few things is no big deal, haha⊠ha⊠hahaha.â
Later, he told me that even though he couldnât remember every detail clearly, whenever he thought back to those high school days, he always saw my blurry silhouette in his lifeâand that alone made him feel happy.
