Chapter 04
The fourth life I was given was different from the ones before.
I hadn’t returned to the moment just before my wedding with Cardin, but to a time before I became a saint.
Tomorrow was the day the birth of a saint of the Melissa Temple would be announced.
Even as cautious hands dressed me, my lips trembled slightly.
Because it didn’t feel real that I had returned.
Or perhaps because it was finally beginning to feel real.
Cardin must have returned safely.
The Ferdian household servants must all be doing well too.
It had been warm there.
And now, everyone must have forgotten me again.
I had wished to return so desperately, dreamed of it so fervently.
Even when I clenched my lips tight, my tears wouldn’t dry—just like the day you met your death.
I was always someone who wore an indifferent expression, offering only faint smiles.
Yet whenever I thought of you, emotions I couldn’t possibly contain came spilling out like this.
This time especially, returning to before I met him made me both happy and sad.
It should clearly be a good thing—because now there existed a choice where you might not walk alongside me.
Conflicting thoughts dug relentlessly into my mind.
The thought that I shouldn’t see him, and yet the cruel desire to see him at least once.
Perhaps I’m just a selfish human being, unworthy of becoming a saint.
Ah… is that why I’m a saint befitting a hell like this?
As if to replace my selfish desire, tears streamed down my cheeks.
I prayed that these tears would wash away even my longing—so that I’d never think of it again.
A voice that erased my thoughts reached my ears.
“Lady Shallen! What will you do if you keep crying like this!”
A young, lovely girl smiled brightly as she wiped away my tears.
Amy—she seemed more excited than anyone, just like back then.
“Lady Shallen, are you really that happy? You never showed it before, so I thought you weren’t pleased about becoming a saint. But I guess I was wrong!”
At her words, I slowly nodded.
“Yes. I’m happy.”
The best thing of all was that Cardin was alive.
“Oh my! Lady Shallen, you’re already speaking like a noble and exalted saint!”
I placed my hand atop her head and replied with a faint smile, tears still clinging to my lashes.
“Let’s say I’ve been practicing.”
Only then did my emotions settle a little, and the downpour of tears gradually stopped.
After wiping away the traces of my crying, even once Amy left the room, I couldn’t bring myself to lie down. I simply closed my eyes tightly, standing amidst the silence that filled the room.
What emotions should I show now?
Having returned to the past, what can I do for you?
The thoughts that troubled me didn’t hold me for long.
I opened my eyes, rose from my seat, and went straight to the door.
The quiet night air brushed against the tip of my nose. Leaving the darkened sky behind, I walked down the corridor lined with pillars.
I stopped before the prayer chamber—a place only the saint and the pope were allowed to enter, believed to be the closest space to the god.
Without hesitation, I opened the door.
In the stillness of the night, the creak of the large door sounded even louder.
The statue of the god came into my view.
Tap. Tap.
My footsteps echoed.
I knelt on the cloth laid before the statue. My first words were brief.
“It’s been a very long time since we last met.”
As I lifted my head to gaze at the statue, one corner of my lips naturally curved upward.
“Glorias, can you hear my voice? This time, please listen properly to what I have to say.”
Strength gradually filled my fragile voice.
“Today makes it three times that you’ve turned me back. Twice, you returned me to the same day, the same place—so why did you return me here this time? If you do not answer this question, then I will continue to speak lies in the name of Glorias, your name.”
I spoke to the god and waited for an answer.
No—perhaps this time, I was hoping there would be no answer at all.
Because I didn’t want to repeat the same events as before as Saint Shallen Melissa.
Because I hoped this temple would not become a nation and the spark that ignited a war.
To do that, things had to change.
I drew my lips inward and clenched them tightly, old memories resurfacing.
After the Helen Kingdom and the Holy Nation of Melissa formed an alliance, the Holy Nation of Melissa began to covet the Nicholas Kingdom.
It was laughable—a place that had been no more than a mere grand temple declaring war on the Nicholas Kingdom.
At the time, the Holy Nation of Melissa requested knightly support from the Helen Kingdom. But it was a hopeless war.
When the Helen Kingdom failed to give a proper response, the Holy Nation made another request—not to the imperial family, but to the Grand Duke House of Ferdian.
To the one who guarded the north… to him.
‘A letter has arrived from the Holy Nation of Melissa. What does it say?’
‘They ask after your well-being.’
‘Is that all?’
‘Yes. That’s all.’
He didn’t tell me.
He didn’t tell me that the Holy Nation had requested support.
Simply because I—the former saint—was his wife, Cardin foolishly went to that war.
I only learned later that he had even told the imperial family he would personally go to support them.
Only when his body was finally returned to me did I learn the full truth.
The emotions I had buried in old memories began to swirl violently once more.
Feelings impossible to describe with words or writing became tangled together.
Even recalling his voice from those memories made me miss him—and resent him for not being honest with me.
The rage I felt when I lost him to nothing more than a temple’s greed, and the helplessness I felt through the repeated cycle, all came crashing into my chest at once.
A tear dropped softly.
I bit my lip until it bled and steadied my breathing.
These emotions had to be buried, at least for now.
After kneeling for a long while, it was as though cold water had been poured over me—the boiling emotions sank deep within.
I continued to wait for the god’s answer.
But no matter how long I waited, the god Glorias said nothing in response to my question.
Feeling the sunlight even with my eyes closed, I rose from my place. After offering a brief bow to the statue of Glorias, I spoke.
“God Glorias. I have received your answer well.”
Though I hadn’t heard the god’s voice, the silence itself felt like an answer. This time, the god had listened to me.
Turning my back to the statue, I stepped toward the exit of the prayer chamber.
From the moment I opened this tightly closed door and walked out, I would bury these feelings in my heart and let different emotions spill forth.
Even if that emotion was rage, unbefitting of a saint.
Creeeak.
As I opened the door, the early morning air greeted me. I walked the same corridor I had passed through the night before, heading back to my room.
A smile naturally spread across my face.
From today onward, I would become the daughter of a merciless god.
