Chapter 03
I opened my eyes.
Squinting at the morning sunlight, I realized I was still waking up in your bed.
Last night, after seeing you off, I had wished to return to the past right away—but once again, God did not grant my wish.
This time, how long would it take before I could go back?
Such trivial thoughts greeted me from the very start of the day.
My days always began with the emptiness left by your absence, and I had to carry out my role as the Grand Duchess.
My longing was mine alone; I still had to take responsibility for your family and your people.
Until I returned to the past, this was the duty I had to bear.
And so I continued to face days without you—until Cardin’s study became my study.
I let time carry me along, again and again, until your room became my room.
I didn’t even know how much time had passed.
I had simply lived, handling everything in your place, and already three years had gone by.
That meant I had lived one year longer without you than I had with you.
The northern cold had eased a little, yet my heart remained exactly as it had been back then.
Like a play on words, this place was cold, yet still warm.
The servants worried that even a slight chill might make me catch a cold, so they wouldn’t let me go outside unless I dressed warmly.
Whenever I met their eyes, I felt as though I had become someone precious.
Today, as always, I finished my work and left the study, wearing the coat they had carefully prepared for me.
Step by step.
I walked. My destination was always the same.
The place where Cardin’s gravestone stood—it was part of my daily routine.
A glass greenhouse had been built over the grave. It was so beautifully arranged that no one would guess a grave lay there; it looked like a lovely garden instead.
I liked this place. The thought that you could escape the cold here, even a little, made me happy.
Walking among the brightly blooming flowers, I eventually reached my destination.
In front of the gravestone, a thick blanket had been laid out. The servants must have placed it there for me.
As always, I leaned my back against the stone and sat down.
Beside the gravestone was a stack of books. I chose one of the thickest and opened it.
It wasn’t an interesting book at all, yet I read it diligently—simply because the thicker the book, the longer I could stay by your side.
After staring at the pages for a long while, I lifted my head. The sky that had been dusk was now quite dark.
From between my tightly closed lips, I called your name.
“Cardin.”
There was no answer today either. As expected.
Still, I continued speaking.
“…You said we’d meet again soon. But even after three years, we still haven’t met.”
It was strange.
Never before had it taken more than a year to return to the past after you died.
And now, the time I had lived as your widow was becoming longer than the time I had lived as your wife.
It was strange—truly.
I shifted slightly and brushed my fingers over the lonely-looking letters engraved on the stone.
Cardin Lord Ferdian
“I miss you. Truly. I’ve written you a letter every time I missed you, so now I’ve lost count of how many there are. I didn’t realize I was so—”
My words trailed off as a gentle voice reached me.
“Madam. It’s getting late.”
Swallowing my final words, I rose with a faint smile.
When I exited the greenhouse, the butler and several servants were waiting for me.
“Why did you all come out here?”
“It’s late at night—mightn’t you feel frightened, Madam?” the butler said.
Nodding, the head maid took my hand and added,
“The weather is still cold. Please go inside.”
“Yes. Let’s go in.”
Perhaps it was because of their kindness—the path back to my room felt warm.
As I grasped the doorknob, I turned and smiled at them with all my heart.
“Because of you all, this place is warm.”
As if in reply, they returned my words with bright smiles.
I stopped the servants who tried to follow me in to prepare my bed.
“It’s fine tonight. You may all go back now.”
“Yes, Madam. We’ve prepared warm water for you.”
“Thank you. Always.”
“You’re too kind. Please rest well, Madam.”
“Yes, yes.”
The smile on my lips slowly faded as I turned away from them.
Creak—bang.
Only after the door closed did I hear their footsteps retreating.
The neatly arranged room welcomed me.
No one ever asked why I used this room.
The same was true of how I spent my time at Cardin’s grave whenever I wasn’t working—they simply treated me warmly, without question.
I sat down on the sofa for a moment. Their kindness showed itself in the refreshments and warm tea placed on the table.
It felt foolish to partake, yet I picked up a pastry and put it into my mouth.
Sweet pastries, slightly bitter tea.
I had never once told them I liked these, yet they knew and prepared them just from the smallest changes in my expression.
Without realizing it, my lips softened.
From the moment I became Grand Duchess, they had never changed.
At first, as a former Saint newly exposed to the world, my handling of affairs must have been clumsy—but they waited for me.
They called me kind. Each time, I shook my head.
Being a Saint doesn’t mean being kind to everyone. Not all Saints are gentle—that’s a prejudice.
Madam, there’s no one in this estate who doesn’t know how kind you are.
Perhaps it’s because you are kind that I appear that way.
The memory of those lighthearted exchanges suddenly surfaced.
A small laugh escaped me.
But it didn’t last long. Tonight, too, I had to wish fervently—hoping that tomorrow, I would finally return to the past.
Returning to just before the wedding would be fine. Even returning to the moment I had been angry with you would be enough.
Surrounded by such warmth, I might have prayed once to God to let me live on like this.
But you weren’t here.
Unable to accept the thought that I would never see you again, I longed to go back.
Even if that place was hell.
Even if it was only once more—just one last time—I wanted to see you again. Such a selfish thought.
Finishing the last of my tea, I stood and headed to the bathroom.
As I slowly immersed myself, starting with my toes, into the warm water they had prepared, white steam filled the room.
Lowering myself further, I submerged my face beneath the water.
This time that had stretched on far longer than expected felt lonely and overwhelming. I wanted to stop thinking, even just for now.
But why, at times like this, does your face come to mind, Cardin?
Everyone said his black eyes were cold, yet to me they felt warmer than anything—perhaps because of his golden hair that shone like the sun.
His tone was always blunt, but his low voice was pleasant to hear.
He appeared vividly before me. Even squeezing my eyes shut under the water couldn’t chase him away. What was I supposed to do?
Just as my breath reached its limit and I lifted my upper body, a voice—unfamiliar yet familiar—rang in my ears.
“Saintess!”
What was this? I knew the owner of that voice.
Lady Shallen!
Lady Shallen, did you hear? They say you’ll be the next Saint!
Lady Shallen Melissa, congratulations on becoming a Saint! Truly, from the bottom of my heart!
The person who had always followed me, cheered for me, and gave me strength.
The one who had sincerely congratulated me on the day I became a Saint.
Was it because the hot steam filled the bathroom that she came to mind? Was all of this just an illusion I had created?
I opened my eyes and softly called her name.
“…Amy?”
The woman’s voice drew closer, parting the hazy mist as she spoke.
“Oh, did I surprise you by calling you Saintess already?”
“What are you saying right now…?”
“But tomorrow, you’ll become the Saintess, Lady Shallen! I just wanted to try calling you in advance! Lady Shallen, congratulations on becoming a Saint—truly, truly from my heart!”
Smiling brightly, she grasped my shoulder. I slowly turned my head toward her.
Brown hair, amber-brown eyes.
I remembered this woman. I could never forget her.
Why was she here? And why was she congratulating me with words I couldn’t understand?
“Oh my! Lady Shallen, why are you crying? What if your eyes swell tomorrow?”
She hurriedly wiped away the tears that were already flowing down my cheeks without me noticing.
At her touch, I realized it.
I had returned—to the past.
To the time before I met you.
To the moment when I was given the chance to choose.
