Chapter 01
You died.
Kardin Lord Ferdian, the head of the Grand Ducal House of Ferdian of the Kingdom of Helen, died.
On another cold day like any other, you once again became a star in the sky.
After everyone who had come to the funeral left, only one person remained.
The wife of the man who had become a star in the sky.
Shallen Ferdian.
I became alone again.
Before I knew it, darkness settled over the sky. Snow scattered fiercely in the blowing wind.
When the biting wind struck my fingertips, even the remaining warmth was stolen away, and my fingers froze cold.
With numb hands, I brushed the coffin covered in pure white snow.
Though my hands were frozen, I hoped you might be spared even a little from this cold.
You were never someone who felt the cold easily, but still, I hated the thought of you being in a cold place.
If you could see how I look right now, what would you say?
“You’d probably tell me to stop doing useless things and take care of myself instead, wouldn’t you?”
As I spoke the words you would likely say to me, it felt as though your voice was whispering right beside my ear.
By now, I should have grown used to this situation, yet I still haven’t adapted.
Even though this very moment—experiencing your death and holding your funeral—has been repeated three times already.
Standing at the threshold of death, once again you made the same choice for my sake.
A person with responsibility ingrained almost to the point of cruelty.
You could have lived a little more selfishly.
We weren’t even that close when you were alive—so distant that we barely had proper conversations. So why did you make such a choice?
“Was it simply because I was your wife?”
A foolish man.
A truly stupid man.
Will we never be able to escape this painful cycle?
Where did it all go wrong?
Was it from the moment I grabbed the hand you reached out to me?
If you’re the one suffering because you took in someone abandoned by God like me…
“…How am I supposed to live with this guilt? And how am I supposed to face you again?”
As I clenched my lips and endured with all my strength, my head suddenly dropped.
The snow piled on my head fell down like rain. Snow clouds covered the sky, turning the entire world white.
My white hair—so white that it didn’t feel out of place in this pale world—spilled down and hid my expression.
Taking advantage of that moment, what had welled up in my eyes flowed freely down both cheeks, without caring who might see.
Honestly… when this moment comes again, I still cry.
Perhaps because the path of the tears was warm, my frozen face melted just a little, reminding me that I was still alive.
Wiping away my tears with frozen hands, I slowly opened my mouth.
“Kardin, there’s something I’m curious about. Right now… do you resent me?”
Am I afraid? Afraid that you might resent me?
Even I thought it was a shameless thing to say.
Truly.
“I always say this to you. I’m sorry.”
As I apologized to him, the tears I had managed to stop began to fall again.
I had so many things to be sorry for. To you.
I asked you for a divorce. I said I had come to hate you. I spoke cruel words to the one who had saved me.
None of it was true. I didn’t hate you, and this place wasn’t hell.
Rather, I liked you, and this place was the only space where I could breathe.
How could I ever hate the one who pulled me out of that hell?
To prevent the same thing from happening again, to stop your death, to leave your side—that was why I said those things.
And yet, so futilely, I lost you.
This is the third time. Once again, I lost you.
After hurting you, no less.
I don’t know how long I stood there like that. Then, from behind me, I heard the sound of footsteps crunching through the thickly piled snow.
“Madam. You’ll catch a cold. Please, come inside.”
The one who approached me was none other than the deputy commander of the Ferdian Grand Ducal Knights.
How ironic. His lord died because of me, yet he worries about me. Doesn’t he find me disgusting?
“Madam.”
When I didn’t answer, he called me again.
“Yes. I should go in now.”
“Yes, please do.”
I turned my head slightly and nodded briefly.
“…Just a final goodbye.”
As if to be considerate, the man stepped back a few paces.
Perhaps it was consideration for me, who had just become a widow after sending off my husband.
Lowering my head again, I saw that the snow piled on the coffin had already melted from the warmth of my hands.
That was a relief.
I removed my hand from the coffin, straightened my bent legs, and stood up.
It was time to say goodbye.
My eyes held only one place. White breath leaked out between my slightly parted lips.
With that as the beginning, I offered my final farewell.
“We’ll meet again, won’t we? See you soon.”
Turning my back, I walked along the path thickly covered in snow.
I hesitated several times as I walked, uneasy about leaving you behind.
Taking a deep breath, I pressed my lips together and quickened my steps.
When I entered the mansion, it seemed the butler and servants were waiting for me.
“Madam. Please, warm yourself.”
The housekeeper’s warm words and the gazes of everyone—including the butler—were warm enough to melt all this cold snow.
So warm it made me feel guilty.
“Yes. Everyone worked hard today. I’ll go in first.”
After giving them a brief greeting, I went up to my room.
No—your room.
I could have gone to my own room, but I didn’t want to today. It felt like it would be too cold. Like my heart would freeze.
Every time you died, I slept here, hoping your warmth might still remain.
“Madam, the warm water is ready.”
“Mm, thank you.”
Even the servants helping me take off my black dress piece by piece made me feel like I might burst into tears.
Why are they always so kind to me? This is already the third time, yet they’re always warm to me.
Outside the mansion, snow flurried in the northern land, but inside, it was so warm.
When I slowly dipped my feet into the steaming bath, my body felt like it was melting away.
“Am I really allowed to feel this?”
The words slipped out before I realized it.
The hands of the two maids attending me paused for a moment.
“It’s nothing.”
“Madam.”
“Yes, Luna.”
The maid named Luna tightly held my hand and looked at me.
“We’ll always stay by your side, Madam.”
At her words, I closed my eyes briefly, then nodded.
“You always say that.”
“Pardon?”
“No, it’s nothing.”
Perhaps because my body had relaxed in the warm water, my expression softened a little.
And then, suddenly, I found myself disgusting.
I slid down in the tub, submerging my face beneath the water.
“Madam!”
At the small voices calling me from above the water, I stuck one hand out and waved it lightly.
Even then, I could feel how worried they were, unable to settle down.
Unable to ignore their concern, I came back up from the water.
The moment of unreality ended.
“Madam…”
“It’s just that the water was warm.”
Even so, the maids didn’t look reassured.
“I want to get out now. I want to rest.”
With their lips pressed together, they nodded and helped me up.
As I sat at the vanity, their faces drying my wet hair were reflected in the mirror.
They must be grieving too, having lost their lord—yet the way they genuinely worry about me is so strange.
I took my gaze off them and looked at myself in the mirror.
Ever since my holy power disappeared, the color of my eyes had changed.
The softly glowing blue eyes had become a dull, pale silver-gray, stripped of light.
I had grown used to it by now, but looking into my eyes brought back old memories, and I tightly shut them.
“Madam?”
“I should sleep. Go back and rest, all of you.”
“…Madam. If anything happens, please call for us.”
“Yes! No—actually, even if nothing happens, just call us and we’ll come right away.”
I stood up and lightly patted their shoulders, nodding.
“Alright. You should all sleep too.”
“Then we’ll take our leave. Good night, Madam.”
Click.
When the servants left, I was finally alone.
In your room—where I hoped your warmth still remained.
