Chapter 03
I opened my eyes.
The morning sunlight made me frown. I was still waking up in your bed.
Last night, after sending you off, I wished I would return to the past right away—but once again, God did not grant my wish.
When would I return this time?
Such a trivial thought to have first thing in the morning.
My day began, as always, with the empty space you left behind.
And I had to fulfill my role as the Grand Duchess.
My longing was only my own feeling.
I still had to take responsibility for your family and your people.
Until I returned to the past, that was the duty I had to bear.
So I continued living days without you.
Until Kardin’s office became my office.
I let time carry me forward—
until your room became my room.
I don’t even know how much time passed like that.
I simply lived, handling your work in your place.
Before I knew it, three full years had gone by.
I had lived one year longer without you
than the time I lived together with you.
The northern cold had eased a little.
but my heart remained exactly the same.
Like a cruel joke, this place was cold—yet still warm.
The servants worried that I might catch a cold even from the slightest chill. They wouldn’t let me go outside unless I dressed warmly.
When I saw the concern in their eyes, I felt as though I had become someone precious.
Like any other day, I finished my work and left the office, wearing the coat they had carefully prepared for me.
Step.
Step.
I walked.
My destination was always the same.
The place where Kardin’s gravestone stood.
It had become part of my routine.
A glass greenhouse had been built over the grave. It was so beautifully arranged that no one would guess a tomb lay within—it looked like a garden.
I liked this place.
Thinking that you might be spared the cold here, even a little—it made me feel at peace.
Walking among the colorful, blooming flowers, I reached my destination.
A thick blanket was spread out in front of the gravestone. The servants must have brought it for me.
As always, I leaned my back against the stone and sat down.
Beside the gravestone was a stack of books. I picked one of the thickest and opened it.
It wasn’t even an interesting book.
But the thicker the book, the longer I could stay by your side—or so I told myself.
After reading for a long time, I lifted my head.
The sky, once twilight, had grown dark.
Between my tightly closed lips, I called your name.
“Kardin.”
There was no answer.
As expected.
Still, I continued speaking.
“… You said we’d meet again soon. But it’s been three years, and we still haven’t met.”
It was strange.
The time between your death and my return to the past had never exceeded one year before.
Now, the time I’ve lived as your widow is longer than the time I lived as your wife.
Strange. Truly strange.
I shifted slightly and brushed my fingers over the lonely-looking letters carved into the stone.
Kardin Lord Ferdian
“I miss you. I really do. I’ve written you so many letters whenever I miss you that I can’t even count them anymore. I didn’t think I was the kind of person who would—”
I trailed off when I heard a gentle voice.
“Milady. It’s late.”
Swallowing my last words, I stood up with a faint smile.
When I left the greenhouse, the butler and several servants were waiting for me.
“What are you all doing out here?”
“It’s late at night. You might be frightened, Milady.”
At the butler’s words, the head maid nodded and took my hand.
“It’s still cold. Please come inside.”
“Yes. Let’s go in.”
Thanks to their kindness, the walk back felt warm.
As I reached for the doorknob, I turned and smiled at them sincerely.
“Because of you all, this place is warm.”
They answered with bright smiles of their own.
I stopped the servants who tried to follow me in to prepare my bed.
“It’s alright today. You may all rest.”
“Yes, Milady. We’ve prepared warm water for you.”
“Thank you. As always.”
“Oh, it’s nothing at all. Please rest well, Milady.”
“Yes, yes.”
The smile on my lips slowly faded as I turned my back to them.
Creak.
Bang.
Only after the door closed did I hear their footsteps retreating.
The neatly arranged room welcomed me.
No one ever questioned why I used this room.
It was the same with how I spent my time at Kardin’s grave when I wasn’t working.
They simply treated me warmly.
I sat on the sofa for a moment.
Their kindness was visible in the snacks and warm tea laid out on the table.
I felt foolish for eating it—
but I did.
Sweet pastries and slightly bitter tea.
I had never once told them I liked these things. Yet they knew, just from my expressions.
Without realizing it, my lips softened.
From the moment I became the Grand Duchess, they never changed.
At first, the former Saintess—new to the world—must have been clumsy at handling affairs.
But they waited for me.
They said I was kind.
Every time, I shook my head.
“Just because I was a saintess doesn’t mean I was kind to everyone. Not all Saintesses are gentle.”
“Milady, everyone in this estate knows how kind you are.”
“Perhaps I only seem that way because you are kind to me.”
I suddenly remembered those idle jokes.
A small laugh slipped out.
But it didn’t last long.
Tonight too, I had to wish desperately—for tomorrow, for a return to the past.
I didn’t care if it was right before the wedding or even the moment I shouted at you.
I just wanted to go back.
With all this warmth given to me, one might think I’d pray to live like this forever.
But you aren’t here.
The thought that I might never see you again makes me want to return—desperately.
Even if that place is hell.
Even if it’s the last time, I want to see you once more.
After finishing the remaining tea, I stood and went to the bathroom.
Slowly lowering myself into the warm water, white steam filled the room.
I sank deeper until my face was submerged.
The long, unexpected passage of time—and all these thoughts—felt lonely and overwhelming.
I wanted to stop thinking, even just for now.
Then why is it that your face comes to mind at times like this?
Everyone said your black eyes were cold, but to me, they were warmer than anything.
Maybe it was because of your golden hair, shining like the sun.
Your voice was always low and calm—never warm in tone, yet pleasant to hear.
You appeared vividly in my mind.
Even closing my eyes underwater didn’t erase you.
What should I do when you appear so clearly?
As my breath reached its limit and I lifted my body—
A voice, unfamiliar yet familiar, rang in my ears.
“Saintess!”
What… is this?
I know this voice.
“Shallen!”
“Shallen, did you hear?! They say you’ll be the next Saintess!”
“Shallen Melissa, congratulations on becoming the Saintess. Truly—congratulations.”
Someone who always followed me, cheered for me, and gave me strength.
Someone who sincerely congratulated me on the day I became a saintess.
Was it the steam that made me imagine her?
Was this all an illusion?
I opened my eyes and quietly called her name.
“…Amy?”
The woman stepped closer, parting the hazy steam, and spoke.
“Oh—did I surprise you by calling you Saintess already?”
“What are you saying right now…?”
“Well, you’ll become a Saintess tomorrow anyway! I just wanted to try calling you once in advance! Shallen, congratulations on becoming a Saintess—truly, truly!”
She smiled brightly and grabbed my shoulders.
I slowly turned my head to look at her.
Brown hair.
Hazel eyes.
I remember this woman.
A woman I could never forget.
Why is she here?
Why is she congratulating me with words I don’t understand?
“Oh my! Shallen, why are you crying? What if your eyes swell before tomorrow!”
She hurriedly wiped the tears running down my cheeks.
At that touch, I realized—
I’ve returned.
To the past.
To the time before meeting you.
To the moment when I was given a choice.
