CHAPTER 44……………………………………..
Hyun-ha explained kindly.
“You can’t help but be at a disadvantage.”
Her tone was that of someone teaching addition and subtraction. Even Young-in, who knew that Hyun-ha rarely wavered, could feel shaken by how firm her attitude was.
Choi Hyun-ha could entice people with nothing more than her tone and posture. It was a gift difficult to describe.
“No. As time goes on, you’re the one who’ll be at a disadvantage.”
“Because I can’t sleep?”
Just like the question, the corner of Hyun-ha’s mouth tilted up crookedly.
“Why did you start thinking I can only sleep if I hear you play?”
Her question forced Young-in to retrace the situation from the very beginning.
The reason? Juran had said that Choi Hyun-ha couldn’t sleep properly even when she took sleeping pills. But Young-in had seen her fall asleep while listening to her music. There were also those meaningful looks Hyun-ha had shown. Even when asked directly a while ago, she hadn’t denied it.
Choi Hyun-ha always said she needed Young-in — not that she liked her or wanted to see her, but that she needed her.
“What if you don’t need me anymore?”
Hyun-ha picked up a sharp knife from among the cutlery arranged beside the napkin.
“What if I’m just making you play for fun, just keeping you around because I feel like it?”
“……”
“And then one day, purely for fun, I break you.”
While rubbing the knife’s handle, Hyun-ha suddenly slammed the blade down.
A chill ran through Young-in from her gut. The knife was stuck between her fingers — move even slightly, and the delicate flesh might be sliced open.
What would happen if Young-in really became useless? How would Choi Hyun-ha treat her then? She had thought about it before — and no good ending had ever come to mind.
Still, now was not the time to flinch.
She remembered the principle of poker.
Before her first tournament, when she’d been trembling uncontrollably, someone had told her:
“In poker, the one with more chips has the advantage. And the person who can hide their emotions wins.”
Who was it again? She couldn’t recall exactly, but the advice couldn’t have been more fitting right now.
“Then you’ll throw it away once you break it,” Young-in said.
“If you don’t need it, you’ll discard it. That’s what I think.”
She spoke as calmly as she could, hoping she sounded indifferent — hoping she fooled her.
“I’ve never just thrown away something I cherished.”
So, a wrong answer. The words trampled on Young-in’s fragile hope that maybe one day Hyun-ha would let her go.
A cold shiver crept up her body, yet Young-in didn’t avert her gaze and asked:
“Then what did you do with them?”
“I burned them. So no one else could use them.”
Hearing that, Young-in immediately regretted asking. A vision replayed in her mind — a man who looked just like Choi Hyun-ha engulfed in flames. Then, the man’s face changed to her own.
Seeing Young-in’s face grow pale, Hyun-ha smiled faintly.
“Even if I’ve discarded something, I hate when anyone else touches it.”
She swept the tablecloth off to one side. The remaining dishes were shoved roughly aside; those that fell shattered with sharp cracks.
Watching Young-in tremble, Hyun-ha looked pleased.
I’m going to disappear soon, Young-in thought as she breathed in Hyun-ha’s scent. You’re right. I’m the one at a disadvantage.
But it doesn’t matter. That’s not the point. Even if you don’t break me, I’ll vanish from your arms anyway.
***
How long does the night last?
Or is it daytime now? The light from lamps and sunlight blur together; time flows out of order.
After Young-in said on the stairs that she wouldn’t play anymore, Hyun-ha began watching her directly. From the moment she woke until she fell asleep, she was never left alone.
That’s how she realized it —
Choi Hyun-ha truly couldn’t sleep.
Whenever Young-in woke, Hyun-ha was always there beside her.
But Young-in couldn’t rest either. She couldn’t relax for even a moment.
Now, even while awake, it felt like she was trapped inside a dream — like she was floundering in a sticky nightmare. She remembered hearing at a temple she once visited with her mother that there was a hell like this.
Scenes cut in and out like a badly edited movie — one moment she was in the bathroom, and with a blink, she was in bed, tangled up with Choi Hyun-ha.
It was the same now — except this time, something was different.
“Rest more,” Hyun-ha said, releasing her and leaning against the wall.
Why? Normally, she would have held her tight so she couldn’t even move.
After thinking back for a while, Young-in found her answer. Maybe this was like medicine after poison — the carrot after the whip.
Listening to Choi Hyun-ha’s words always brought relief. That was probably the lesson Hyun-ha wanted her to learn.
It was the first real rest she’d had in a long time. Like a dog exhausted from endless petting finally curling up at home, Young-in let every muscle go slack.
She thought she’d pass out instantly, but strangely, her mind stayed alert.
If she moved wrong and revealed she wasn’t asleep, Hyun-ha might change her mind. Like lying next to a predator that could tear her apart any moment, she stayed completely still, holding her breath.
Still, any moment without Hyun-ha’s hands on her was precious. Finally lying down without being held, her mind began to wander. Before, she’d had no room for stray thoughts.
The first thing that came to mind was the piano.
If she went this long without playing, her touch would dull. Would that be okay? The thought arose unbidden.
She wanted to replay a section she’d practiced before. Pressing her fingers against the mattress, she mimed the notes she’d memorized.
It was an unconscious act — and when she realized what she’d done, she startled.
This was the dream Hyun-ha had planted in her, and yet she was yearning for the piano even as she longed to escape her. It was completely reversed. Once, she’d found every day at the piano tedious and had wanted to run away from it.
The thought triggered a memory. She suddenly remembered who had told her the story about the poker face she’d mentioned to Hyun-ha earlier.
In poker, the person who can hide their emotions has the advantage. So no matter what hand you hold, never show your true feelings.
The one who had comforted young Young-in with those words was her father.
“Just pretend you’re fine.”
Right before a competition, her father had placed a reassuring arm around her shoulders.
“No matter how scared you are, if you act like you’re fine, no one will know you’re afraid. They’ll only see a confident pianist.”
Back then, her father had seemed so tall. Watching him smile until the corners of his eyes wrinkled, Young-in had promised herself she would win.
It was one of the few good memories left from those competition days.
Why did it surface now? She curled her fingers into a fist.
Running away like this would be betraying her father too. A hook lodged in her heart twitched.
She looked at Hyun-ha lying beside her. Hyun-ha’s eyes met hers naturally.
Choi Hyun-ha looked perfectly fine. Though she clearly hadn’t slept, there was no visible difference. She even acted as if she were the one caring for Young-in.
For someone who could barely walk properly after Hyun-ha’s torment, it was astonishing. Did Hyun-ha even have weaknesses?
Doubt crept in. She looked so composed — maybe Young-in should wait a little longer. Maybe news of her father would come. Just thinking of him weakened her resolve; she wanted to know what had happened to him.
“Choi Hyun-ha.”
Eyes closed, Hyun-ha turned toward her. For a moment, Young-in thought she might actually have been asleep.
She briefly regretted calling out — but it was too late to take it back.
Have you heard anything about my dad? she wanted to ask, but changed her mind.
“Is it okay for you to keep skipping school?”
If she asked about her father now, it might expose her intentions. She stayed wary of Hyun-ha’s unnaturally sharp intuition.
“Are you worrying about me?”
The mocking tone made Young-in’s cheek twitch.
“I’m jealous. That your life doesn’t fall apart no matter what you do.”
It wouldn’t hurt for her to lose something — just one thing. Young-in sincerely wished that for her. That there would be at least one thing in the world that didn’t go Choi Hyun-ha’s way. That one day, her heart would break too.
“You were right. I can’t stand it anymore.”
She prayed desperately as she spoke the words she had prepared.
***
It was, of course, the expected outcome. She had known from the start it was a game she would lose.
So why did Hyun-ha feel like she was missing something now? She watched every movement of Young-in’s face with sharp focus.
“I’ll play the piano.”
Young-in lowered her head as though admitting defeat.
“I’ll play. So please, stop. Stop pushing me like this…”
A faint flush rose to her cheeks. She couldn’t bring herself to say the rest directly, to name what had really been happening between them. After spending the whole day together, the lingering shyness made her seem even more vulnerable — and somehow, that made her look more alluring.
But even though everything was going her way, something about it grated on Choi Hyun-ha.
