Chapter 52
Lillietta remained unshaken. She simply continued speaking calmly.
“If the divine revelation—the Holy Pope—if my brother hadn’t ignored my request back then, the answer would’ve been that my disappearance could have been prevented. Isn’t that right?”
Richard stared blankly down at her, his face as pale as if all blood had drained from it.
“God gave a clear answer. That you failed to stop it. That you could’ve saved me, but didn’t. Otherwise, a man as diligent as you wouldn’t have suddenly taken to drinking and shutting yourself away.”
Richard’s face twisted in pain.
Lillietta looked up at him, tilting her head. As she moved, her delicate blond hair slid down her shoulder.
“Am I right?”
In that moment, Richard recalled a memory from the past.
When he was thirteen—just a boy who had recently decided to become a Holy Knight. And Lillietta, still a pure, innocent seven-year-old.
The day he had stormed out after arguing with Leonhardt, who had scolded him for pursuing knighthood instead of entering the academy—asking if he even knew what Holy Knights really did. Richard had hidden in a corner of the garden that day.
And little Lillietta had found him.
That day, Lily had crawled through the hedge and slipped under the hydrangea bushes.
The damp smell of moss lingered under the bushes, whose domed roof was formed of soft, clustered blue flowers. Enclosed by hydrangeas taller than a grown man, it was a tiny castle made of leaves and petals.
The red-haired boy hiding there quickly wiped away his tear streaks when he saw his little sister approach.
“You—how did you get here?”
“You told me before, remember? This is your secret base.”
Lily beamed brightly as she plopped down at his feet and started chattering.
“Brother, you’re not really mad at Leon, are you?”
“What?”
“I saw everything from the start, you know? You didn’t look mad—you looked upset.”
“Hey, you little squirt. What do you know? Go away!”
“No, Lily knows. Leon said he didn’t understand why you were acting like this, but I think I do. Listen to me, okay? Just hear me out and tell me if I’m right.”
Her small hands, dirtied from crawling, shook Richard’s shoulder. The boy who had tried to ignore her had no choice but to turn and look. He saw her earnest little face, brows furrowed seriously.
“You’ve always talked about becoming a Holy Knight. You even read Saint Nikolaus’s story to me. So you didn’t decide on this suddenly—you thought about it for a long time.”
“…”
“You really put your heart into that decision, but Leon asked if you’d even thought it through. That hurt your feelings, didn’t it?”
“…”
“You wanted to explain it properly, but Leon is scary when he’s mad, so the words didn’t come out, right?”
“…”
“You didn’t mean to yell at him. You didn’t cry because you got scolded. It was because it was unfair and frustrating. Isn’t that right?”
The boy stared blankly at his younger sister, as if she had seen right through to the parts of himself even he hadn’t understood.
He felt deeply embarrassed, but not angry. Lily’s innocent, chatty face only radiated sincerity. She just wanted to understand him.
“Right? I’m right, aren’t I? You didn’t run away because you hated Leon. You just couldn’t say what you wanted to, so you ran off!”
Above their heads, sunlight filtered down between the fluffy hydrangea blossoms like clouds. Lillietta’s golden hair sparkled in the light.
“You know, I think what you wanted to say and what Leon wanted to hear were actually the same. He just wanted to know why you wanted to be a Holy Knight! So maybe, if you talk to him again, he won’t be mad, and you won’t feel so hurt either!”
Her golden hair tilted as she cocked her head. Her violet eyes narrowed as she looked at Richard’s expression. A small, sweet smile.
“Was I right?”
And now, years later—
Standing before him, the grown-up Lillietta tilted her head and asked the same question.
“Am I right?”
The sister he thought he’d lost forever because of his own mistake had returned like a miracle and was now asking him the same question as she had back then. Her face calm, without blame or resentment.
Just like long ago. Simply trying to understand him.
The boy who had grown into a man gave the same answer he had back then.
“Yes, Lily… You’re right.”
Richard slumped helplessly to the ground. Crouching before the bench where his sister sat, he began to speak as if confessing.
“I had… three chances. The first question I asked was how I could find you. His Holiness the Pope received the divine revelation and answered: I could not.”
“…”
“The second question was: Were you still alive somewhere? This time… His Holiness said there was no answer. God gave no revelation. God gave me no answer…”
“…”
“And the final question was: If I had followed you that night, could I have prevented your disappearance? God answered through His Holiness… Yes. He said yes, I really could have stopped it.”
He clutched his face with both hands. His large fingers trembled violently.
“That’s when it hit me. The truth I had tried so desperately to deny. That you disappeared… because of me. Lily, I couldn’t bear it. I just couldn’t live with it… not in my right mind. So yes, Lily, it was my fault. Even God said so.”
“Brother.”
“So… when you said it wasn’t my fault, I just felt even more miserable. At first, I was afraid you’d blame me, but now… I’m scared that you don’t. Because I know… I know it was my fault.”
His clenched jaw trembled as he let out a laugh, more like a groan.
“Haha… I’m such garbage… I’m trash. I’m sorry, Lily. Everything you suffered in that horrible world—it was all because of me. I’m so sorry…”
“Brother, look at me.”
Lillietta reached out to the brother crouched at her feet. She grabbed his hands, pulling them from his face. Richard looked up at her with tear-filled eyes.
“You know… In the world I grew up in, there was no divine power, no Pope, no Holy Knights. Most people didn’t even believe in gods. Neither did I. I don’t believe in God.”
“What?”
“Of course, this world might be different. Maybe gods do exist here—after all, there are divine revelations. But I don’t care. I don’t care what God says. So I’ll speak only from what’s factually true.”
“Factually… true?”
“The one who kidnapped me and erased my memories was a mage named Pascal. Not you. That’s clear. Whether you could have saved me that night is not clear. No one can know that. We can’t undo what’s already happened.”
“No, but God said—”
“Sure, let’s say God said so. I don’t believe in Him, but you do. So let’s say it’s true. That you could have stopped it but didn’t. That it’s a fact. So what?”
“So what?”
“So what—do you think I’m going to blame you for not stopping it? That I’d say all my suffering was your fault? That I’d want you to be punished, to suffer like I did, to curse you or something?”
Lillietta looked down at Richard’s trembling violet eyes—eyes the same color as hers—and gave a bitter smile.
“Of course not. You know I’d never do that, Brother. If anything…”
She bit her lip hard and bowed her head deeply.
“Why did you all suffer so much? Why did… everyone…”
Her voice was thick with emotion. Richard’s eyes widened. Lillietta, still with her head bowed, continued.
“Why did you fall apart without me? Why did Leon break off his engagement, why did Mom wither like a ghost, why did Dad lock himself away… Why did all of you live in such misery?”
“…Lily?”
“If you’d all been too happy without me, sure, that might’ve stung a bit. But that doesn’t mean you had to suffer like this. You could’ve found some happiness. You should’ve grieved and then moved on. Why did you all punish yourselves like this when none of you did anything wrong?”
“L-Lily, are you crying?”
Richard scrambled up in a panic and gently cupped her face. Lillietta slowly blinked her eyes.
“Do you think I’m happy to see that everyone suffered so much while I was gone? That seeing how much you all loved me, how big my absence was, would make me feel proud? No. Not at all. It doesn’t make me happy. All it makes me want to do is go back to the way things were…”
From beneath her blinking lashes, tears slipped down her cheeks and touched his hand. Richard flinched as if burned. Lillietta closed her eyes.
“I feel like… because of me, you all became so unhappy. Like the ten years we lost were spent in pain. Like I ruined everyone. And I’m so sorry for that… I can’t even breathe.”
