Revised Version 7
Like this, I’m just far too pitiful.
I’m only thirty-five years old, you know?
On my way home from work, I suddenly recalled the LINE message my husband had sent—the one I secretly peeked at yesterday.
As I passed through the shopping street and climbed the slope a little, I came to a temple.
Quickening my pace, I headed toward the quiet, deserted grounds.
Even before I stepped into the temple precincts, tears were already spilling from the corners of my eyes.
They flowed ceaselessly, one after another, as though welling up from some endless spring.
In that state, I found myself searching all around—
was there no place where I could cry out loud while letting the tears fall?
And then I found it!
A huge concrete pipe, oddly out of place, lay right beside a tree just behind the temple entrance.
It was as if it had been waiting just for me.
Hurrying over, I noticed the tall, slender tree beside it.
Looking closer, it was a camphor tree.
But I had never seen a camphor tree like this before.
Its trunk, its branches, and its leaves all stretched skyward—tall, slender, elegant.
Almost without thinking… with tears still clinging to my cheeks, I let my eyes trace the trunk upward until they reached the heavens above.
Normally, camphor trees are thick with leaves, lush and heavy with branches.
But perhaps it was only that I had only ever known the overgrown kind.
Even as I stood on the verge of sobbing,
part of me remained strangely calm, able to marvel at the beauty of the tree.
After facing the camphor for a while and letting it stir feelings inside me, I quickly crawled into the pipe and shouted:
“Idiot! Eiji Higuchi, you idiot!”
“Why is it that you, who are always so kind, who are supposed to be mine alone,
why do you torment me so?
Why do you laugh and get carried away with women I don’t even know?”
As I muttered this aloud, my voice broke into sobs.
Surely he doesn’t love me anymore.
That’s why he can so easily grow close to other women.
No matter how much I tried to think differently…
No matter how much I wanted to believe otherwise…
I could never arrive at the conclusion that I was the one he loved most.
Even though I live beside my beloved husband,
from that day half a year ago until now, I have not been happy.
I am, in truth, a woman trapped in the very center of misfortune.
For twelve years, I believed with all my heart that I was the happiest woman in the world,
trusting that he looked only at me.
But in the end, I was nothing more than a pitiful clown.
As the thought struck me, my tears only flowed harder.
Damn, now my nose is running… my tissues should be in my bag…
Mana searched her bag for tissues.
There—she found them. She blew her nose hard.
Feeling refreshed, she dabbed her tears with her handkerchief and thought to herself:
I need to put on a brave face again, and go back to the home where my husband is waiting.
With a heave, she crawled out of the pipe.
But the moment she stepped outside—
