Revised Edition 14 ☑
After discovering my husband’s other side, I had felt lonely—always, endlessly lonely.
Even though my husband was outwardly well-behaved and indifferent to sex, I accepted the lack of intimacy between us. I thought, if he doesn’t desire it, then so be it. There was always a trace of sadness in me, but I forced myself to believe that this too is a kind of marriage.
But in truth, it wasn’t so.
The man before me had only been pretending to be well-behaved. In reality, he was someone entirely different—someone who loved dirty jokes, someone with a healthy appetite for sex.
Which was the real face of my husband?
I tried to shut away my feelings, to not look too closely, but deep down I was always asking myself—
Why, even though we’re husband and wife…
Why, even though I am your wife…
don’t you ever reach out and touch me?
After learning about his other side, the question became unbearable: Why? Why? I kept searching for an answer I could never seem to find.
I always loved the way he was kind and wrapped me in gentleness.
But staying with the man he is now could never fill my loneliness. I was like a rabbit, on the verge of dying from solitude—until I found a place of healing, and a man who could soothe me. Someone who completely embraced my loneliness. I hate being lonely.
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“So… tell me, what was it? What part of me, what thing about me… wasn’t enough?”
“In front of me, you were always kind. A husband with no faults at all.”
“Then why… why talk about divorce?”
“It’s been such a long time since we’ve had a proper husband-and-wife relationship, hasn’t it? And I kept wondering, why? Why not? But I could never bring myself to ask.
So tell me—why? Why don’t you ever desire me? Is it because… you no longer find me attractive as a woman?”
For the first time—because I had resolved to separate—I was able to throw at him the question I had never dared to ask.
