Episode 21
Alicia opened her notebook.
She had asked Howard, the chief attendant, to get it for her not long ago, and she liked its simple beige leather cover.
“Today’s menu: fried chicken and dark beer. I bet it’ll score at least 90 out of 100.”
She never thought her past life in the modern world would help her like this — at least, in this kind of way.
“Well, I didn’t have the time before anyway.”
When Alicia first became Alicia, everything had been scary.
Just trying to adjust to this new world was hard enough, and every time she saw the emperor’s cold face, she lost her confidence.
Back then, she thought Lucan was the only person she could rely on. So when she finally got to see the emperor, all she did was repeat the teachings of the “Great Sage.” …How foolish she had been.
“The only good thing back then was that His Majesty had no interest in me.”
The emperor didn’t even spend the wedding night with her.
He only met her a few times briefly, then stopped seeing her altogether.
He always stayed in Lubeo and only came back to the palace for his mother’s memorial.
“What changed…?”
Alicia married the emperor at 19 and died at 29. It had been a lonely death.
“I never thought… I’d come back again.”
Death wasn’t the end. After her lonely death, she opened her eyes and found herself 20 years old again — back in Alicia’s body.
This time, she had chosen to live differently. She ignored Lucan’s useless teachings and tried to live a peaceful life in her way.
But she hadn’t expected that to attract Emperor Cayenne’s attention.
“Does he prefer a ‘foolish empress’ over someone who repeats fake wise words?”
She kind of understood. When she first became Alicia, she studied manners and behavior, and then Lucan’s so-called wisdom.
But now, thinking back, his words were long, fake, and full of arrogance — like a cult leader.
Maybe the emperor kept his distance from her because of that.
“But still…”
Alicia sighed and spun her pen.
“When will he go back to Lubeo?”
In her past life, Cayenne loved Lubeo more than the palace.
It was his hometown and where he truly belonged. So it didn’t make sense that he still hadn’t gone back, even though she no longer brought up Lucan’s teachings.
“It’s already November…”
He usually came to the palace in early spring for his mother’s memorial, then left quickly.
But this time, things were different, and that made Alicia feel confused.
“If I had to guess… is it because of the food in the Empress’ palace?”
She knew how silly that sounded. Cayenne, the emperor of the whole empire, wouldn’t change his habits just for some meals… would he?
But still, when she remembered his gentle gaze or the strong presence he had — even just for a moment — it stuck in her mind.
“…No.”
Alicia quickly shook her head.
“No. It can’t be.”
She just wanted to live her life freely this time.
“It’s not because of that. Not!”
She closed her notebook with a loud clap.
If only she could close her thoughts and heart like that, too. But she knew she wouldn’t sleep well tonight.
Meanwhile…
Cayenne wore his formal uniform for the first time in a while. As the chief attendant buttoned it up, Cayenne looked at the mirror. A handsome man stared back.
“This collar feels too tight.”
He scowled at his reflection.
“This is a new uniform, custom-made to Your Majesty’s size,” Emma answered kindly.
The black uniform, worn only by the emperor, had fancy decorations on the shoulders and many medals on the chest.
It was heavy, just like the lands he ruled.
Since the wedding, he hadn’t worn this outfit — usually preferring casual clothes in Lubeo.
No wonder he felt uncomfortable.
“Even if it’s the Grand Assembly, I’m just seeing the same nobles in the same audience hall. Do I need to wear this?”
“I’m sorry, Your Majesty, but it’s the imperial custom for all to wear formal attire at the Grand Assembly,” Miller replied respectfully.
Imperial customs, made by Cayenne’s ancestors from the Darius line, couldn’t easily be broken — even by the emperor himself.
“You’ll need to leave for the audience hall in exactly 15 minutes.”
Cayenne nodded a little. Everything in the palace, including his tight uniform, seemed to squeeze him.
“Your Majesty, there are some cookies left from the Empress’ palace. Shall I bring tea?”
“That sounds good.”
Just hearing that made Cayenne relax a little. Miller admired Emma silently — her gentle way was impressive, even if she wasn’t as strict as other attendants.
No one knew how much the cookies from the Empress’ palace helped the emperor’s mood.
Alicia sat on a marble bench under a large tree in the garden.
Before she could sit, Aness quickly laid down a handkerchief. Seeing that made Alicia think of when Cayenne had done the same.
“Shall I bring some tea?” Aness asked, placing a soft cashmere shawl over Alicia’s shoulders.
“No, I won’t be sitting long.”
“Yes, the autumn breeze is getting colder.”
“It’s still okay for now.”
In the past, Alicia had spent most of her lonely life in the garden, watching the seasons change.
After the emperor left, the Empress was the most useless person in the palace.
Only the quiet trees and flowers seemed to comfort her.
“Aness, do you remember when His Majesty drank tea with me here?”
It felt like a dream.
Cayenne had laid a handkerchief for her, sat with her, and drank tea in the same spot where she had always been alone.
“Of course. It was a beautiful scene.”
So it wasn’t a dream. His warm look and soft smile — even if only for a moment — were real.
“When was the last time I saw him before I got sick? Before I lost my memory from the fever?”
“Well… after the wedding, there were a couple of meals. And he saw you a few more times briefly.”
“Briefly? How long?”
Aness hesitated again.
“Maybe… five minutes?”
“…Yeah.”
The emperor never really spent time with her. Even when she got to see him, he would always be reading papers or working — barely even looking at her.
“Of course, he was busy with the Lubeo estate after the wedding.”
“I know. But… he didn’t like me either.”
“Your Majesty…”
“I know it all.”
Aness felt sorry. But even she couldn’t speak up against the emperor’s actions.
“Lately, he’s changed.”
That was true.
“But I’m not sure… if that’s a good thing for me.”
People’s nature doesn’t change easily. Alicia couldn’t change her own life before — so how could she expect to change Cayenne?
Maybe he was just curious for a while. Alicia didn’t want to fool herself.
“Why do you say that?”
Aness knew how much Alicia had changed after her illness. She had seen her try, really try — more lively than ever.
“My real wish is to leave this stuffy palace and live freely.”
At the end of her gaze, the cosmos flowers were swaying in the wind. But maybe it wasn’t just the flowers that were swaying.
“To do that, I need the emperor’s permission. So I have to earn his favor. And then…”
She trailed off.
It wasn’t just Cayenne who had changed. Alicia now thought of him every day — even when he wasn’t around, even in her dreams.
“Your Majesty, you’re only twenty. You still have time.”
But Alicia shook her head.
“Time isn’t endless.”
Even though she had been the empress before, after a few years, she couldn’t even request to see him.
Now, even if he was treating her differently, she was sure his real home was still Lubeo.
“I’m scared of him.”
Her feelings were complicated. She was afraid — but also couldn’t forget his black eyes, or the soft smile she never saw in her past life. It was a strange feeling, but it was real.
“He holds my life in his hands so easily.”
How long would his attention last? Even if he kept treating her kindly… would it last?
“You don’t need to work so hard to earn the emperor’s favor, Your Majesty. You’re already his wife.”
What Aness meant was: Alicia was just as noble as the emperor. But to Alicia, it sounded different.
“You’re right.”
A clear look returned to Alicia’s eyes.
“I don’t need to beg for his affection.”
Now wasn’t the time to be scared or confused. Even in the worst case — like her past life — she’d just die alone again. But this time, she had a chance to change something.
…Even if that meant changing the emperor’s heart.
