Chapter 44
‘I want to hurry back and tell Benjamin and Nanny that Bianca has agreed to work as my maid. Benjamin still feels unfamiliar, and even the lightest touch of his fingers makes me tremble… but he’s my family now.’
Family.
She had a father and brother, but ever since her mother passed away, even when she showed them affection, all she received in return was indifference and coldness.
But she was beginning to believe Benjamin would not be like that.
It was only a small success, but she had achieved something good, and her heart swelled with a cautious, fragile hope.
Outside the carriage window, the grand ducal mansion—her home now—slowly came into view.
If she kept making these little efforts, if she kept pushing forward step by step, then maybe, one day, the painful memories of her life in Count Alandra’s household would fade and become nothing more than a distant past.
Pride bubbled up as she thought of the fact that, for once, she had accomplished something by her own choice, without being crushed under William’s shadow. A smile crept onto her lips—
And then a sharp, tearing pain cut through her chest, slicing from her heart to her back.
“Ka—! Khuk…”
Even breathing felt like her heart was being strangled. The pain was so intense that her head rang violently.
Shai collapsed, clawing at the seat of the carriage in agony. Her nails dug deep into the fabric.
“My Lady! My Lady!”
Startled, Rosa reached out to support her, but even the slightest touch sent waves of pain through Shai’s body. She didn’t even have the strength to tell her not to touch her.
Her mind flickered between lucidity and haze as the searing pain came in waves.
Tears streamed down her cheeks.
“Hurry! Quickly, back to the mansion! My Lady is ill!”
At Rosa’s cry, the coachman and knights spurred the horses forward. The carriage door was thrown open in haste, the surroundings in chaos—then a tall figure climbed inside.
“Your Grace…”
“Move aside.”
At his command, Rosa quickly stepped out. Benjamin gently but firmly lifted the limp Shai into his arms.
Lost in the storm of pain, Shai didn’t even recognize who was holding her. She clutched at him desperately, sobbing weakly.
“It hurts… Nanny… it hurts so much…”
Benjamin’s face twisted with rage and anguish as he pulled her closer.
It felt like her body was being ripped apart piece by piece.
The pain was unbearable. She wished she could faint, but instead the agony jolted her mind awake, over and over.
She needed someone to cling to, someone to rely on.
Strong arms lifted her. Voices surrounded her, but she could no longer hear them clearly. Soon, she was laid on a soft bed—but even the feel of the sheets was painful against her body.
The only comfort she found was in the solid presence of the one holding her. Even though his touch hurt, she felt safer clinging to him.
A bitter liquid was forced past her lips. She gagged and vomited it back up, the pungent taste of medicine burning in her mouth.
“Sob… sob…”
She didn’t even have the strength to scream, only to weep—until a fresh wave of agony tore through her chest, wringing a scream from her throat so raw and piercing it made those who heard it fall silent in sorrow.
Then her mouth was sealed—not by a hand, but by someone’s lips.
The medicine she had spat out slipped back in, carried by that kiss.
The sensation was strange… foreign yet oddly familiar.
Only one person could be both at once.
Benjamin.
‘It wasn’t Nanny…’
At last, Shai realized it was Benjamin who was holding her, who was forcing the medicine into her mouth through a kiss. He held her tightly, carefully, as though she were fragile porcelain—yet with a grip that said he would never let her go.
Instinct told her the medicine he was giving her this way could ease the pain. Yet, in her delirium, she shook her head and sobbed like a child refusing to take it.
It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts so much. It feels like I’m dying.
But Benjamin didn’t give up.
Once. Twice. Three times. Four. Five.
Again and again, he kissed her until, at last, she stopped resisting. She realized she could not push away his solid strength.
At last, like a baby bird, she swallowed the medicine he fed her.
Her body was drenched in cold sweat. She sagged in Benjamin’s arms, groaning softly.
The pain didn’t vanish right away. Her body writhed as though it would tear itself apart.
She curled up small in Benjamin’s embrace, clutching his clothes like a lifeline. Her hair was tangled, her face streaked with tears and sweat—pitiful and fragile.
She murmured weakly, “Nanny…”
Benjamin said nothing. He only looked down at his wife in his arms with tender, anguished eyes.
Shai’s trembling hand groped outward, reaching weakly for something.
“Nanny… if you’re here, hold my hand…”
It was the plaintive whimper of a child.
She longed for her mother. But her mother was gone.
So at least her nanny. She wanted to hold the hand of someone she could trust.
But no answer came.
Instead, Benjamin gently wrapped his large hand around hers.
“Nanny cannot come right now. For now, you must rest, Shai.”
“Why…? Whenever I was sick… Nanny always… came to me…”
Her voice broke into a childish sob, but quickly dwindled to a whisper, as if she were afraid to speak too loudly.
“What matters now is calming your pain. You’re hurting so much.”
“I’m fin—”
She tried to say she was fine, but swallowed the words in a sob. Benjamin soothed her, holding her close.
“You’re not fine. You’re crying.”
The plain, honest words carried more weight than any gentle lie.
There had been many nights of tears. Pain never became easier, no matter how often it came.
The realization brought fresh tears spilling down her cheeks. She could no longer suppress her sobs.
“Ugh… sob… sob…”
She cried for a long time, soaking Benjamin’s clothes.
At last, as the pain began to subside, a new fear dawned on her.
Why hadn’t Nanny come?
A terrible thought struck her—what if she lost Nanny too?
Her weakened body let her fears spiral.
“Is Nanny… sick too?” she whispered, terrified.
What if she’s in pain like me? What if she leaves me, like Mother did?
Fear rippled outward, overwhelming her.
Benjamin answered firmly.
“She is not sick.”
Shai’s tear-streaked face twisted into a fragile smile.
“That’s… a relief…”
Exhausted by pain, she couldn’t speak anymore. She drifted into a heavy sleep in Benjamin’s arms.
Benjamin held her for a long time, her body limp and drenched in sweat. The medicine had calmed her seizures, but every time her heart skipped irregularly, her body trembled faintly.
Beside him stood the doctor and several servants, Rosa among them.
Benjamin turned his gaze on Rosa. Though his anger wasn’t directed at her, the sheer intensity of his presence made her tremble. She clasped her hands tightly to steady herself.
“Was there anything unusual during the journey?” he asked.
“No, nothing unusual. My Lady even met Lady Bianca Humphrey, who agreed to become her maid, so she was in high spirits.”
“I see.”
Benjamin’s eyes narrowed slightly.
“Did Shai eat any of the cookies Marilla gave her during the trip?”
“No, My Lady gave them all away to the village children when we stopped.”
“…She didn’t eat them, then.”
He muttered it like a sigh, then signaled to the doctor. The doctor examined Shai carefully before reporting,
“The seizure has subsided.”
“Good. Give me a full report later.”
“Yes, Your Grace.”
Benjamin then gave instructions to Melania.
“Melania, say the Grand Duchess is resting from the fatigue of travel. Make sure everyone keeps quiet so she is not disturbed. Assign a few trusted maids to take turns watching over her.”
“Yes, Your Grace.”
Since Benjamin had called it ‘travel fatigue,’ word would spread only that the Grand Duchess had fainted from exhaustion.
“For now, I will stay with her. All of you, leave us.”
At his command, everyone quietly left. Rosa lingered at the door, glancing back with a worried face before slipping out last.
