Chapter 24
‘Finally, he’s gone.’
Shai let out a sigh of relief, then glanced at Benjamin, who was wiping his hands with a wet towel handed to him by a servant.
The people attending to Benjamin ranged from ordinary servants to butlers, secretaries, and aides. It was quite the contrast to her own insistence on dismissing all maids and only keeping a few handmaids around.
‘Even if I don’t remember doing it, I should fix what I can as soon as possible. I should bring it up during a meal soon—invite a few of the noblewomen and young ladies I dismissed from the estate.’
While the table was lined with perfectly prepared dishes, Shai absentmindedly watched Benjamin’s hand move—until her eyes fell to his fingertips.
His fingertips.
In her memory, Benjamin had embraced her with a sunken gaze that revealed nothing, right after she had said something cold to him. Yet the touch of his hand on her skin had been gentle—possessive, as if he wouldn’t let her go. It had felt both sorrowful and chilling.
Shai inwardly screamed and hastily dropped her gaze to the plate in front of her.
‘Erase it. Erase it. Memory, go away!’
She had wanted her memories to return—but not like this. This wasn’t the kind of memory she needed right now.
‘Not this kind of memory… Something more useful would be better… Though I guess this is useful in a way… Just not at the moment. I need memories that help me understand either him or myself…’
Flustered, she rambled in her head, then forced herself to calm down.
Humans are creatures that tend to do the opposite of what they intend—trying not to think about something only makes it come to the surface. And the more she resisted, the more vividly the memory returned, making her flinch.
‘Maybe it’s better to just let it be. Whether the memories return or not.’
Overthinking could make her mess up even more. And whenever she saw Benjamin, memories naturally overlapped with reality anyway. Since she couldn’t avoid seeing him, it might be best to just let things unfold naturally.
While Shai silently wrestled with herself, Benjamin glanced at a dish with a sharp gaze and ordered the servant.
“You like this dish. Wilton, serve it to the Grand Duchess.”
One of the servants picked up one of the many dishes and set it down in front of Shai.
She looked at it curiously—it was a mushroom stew she had never seen before.
‘This kind of mushroom… Is this something I tried after coming to the Grand Duchy and liked?’
It wasn’t something she had eaten before. Benjamin spoke to her.
“At our first meal after the wedding, you said you liked Tulan mushrooms. You said you’d like to eat them at least once a day, but I’ve noticed you haven’t touched them lately.”
Benjamin looked directly at her.
It seemed like he wanted to hear her say something—or perhaps he just wanted her to eat it.
Shai stared at the mushroom stew.
Today was the first time she even learned the name “Tulan.” She wasn’t picky about food, but she didn’t like mushrooms enough to eat them every day.
The version of herself in the lost memories felt like a stranger.
Thinking it odd, she took a bite of the dish Benjamin had offered.
As soon as the taste of the mushroom stew filled her mouth, another memory surfaced.
Even in her memory, there was a Tulan mushroom dish in front of her. The form and recipe were different, but it was unmistakably made from Tulan mushrooms.
‘I really don’t want to eat this.’
A bitter voice echoed in her mind.
‘But since my father is so desperate for me to… I’ll eat it.’
The memory came back in fragments. The most important part—what exactly he wanted—was missing, so she couldn’t be sure.
‘What did he want?’
Hoping for something more concrete to surface, Shai slowly savored the stew.
Fortunately, a faint memory followed.
‘But he won’t get the pregnancy he wants. I’ll never let that happen.’
Pregnancy.
As soon as that word rose in her mind, Shai froze, her spoon midair. A cold sensation surged from deep within.
It was an unmistakable instinct—one she had never been wrong about when it came to her father.
‘There’s some scheme behind this.’
Shai stiffened like a statue. Then, remembering she was in front of Benjamin, she forced a smile and tried to smooth things over.
“Maybe my tastes changed along with my memory loss.”
She set her spoon down and added,
“Today, I feel like eating something else. That duck over there looks delicious.”
She randomly picked something she could see.
“I see.”
Without another word, Benjamin gestured, and a servant placed some duck onto Shai’s plate.
Shai’s heart was pounding wildly.
‘My father wanted me to get pregnant? And I was disgusted by the idea?’
What was his real plan?
A normal father might wish for his married daughter to have children and live happily.
But William was no normal father.
‘Even if I got pregnant, the child would still be an heir of the Grand Duchy. Not even the Count of Alantra could touch the child of the Rivestar Grand Duchy. And yet, he clearly intended to do something.’
To deal with such a sly and cunning man, she had to steel herself.
Shai looked at Benjamin.
He was eating neatly and efficiently, without a wasted motion.
There was a certain human charm about him. Despite his cold and aloof demeanor, the quiet consideration he sometimes showed stirred something in her heart.
‘But how much can I really trust this man?’
She had no answer. So, carefully concealing her thoughts, Shai changed the subject.
“Did everything go well during your visit to the capital?”
She pretended nothing was wrong as she took a bite of duck. It tasted good, but with her mind so unsettled, it was hard to fully enjoy.
Benjamin replied.
“It’s related to monsters, so it will require long-term attention. The public believes the Dibiran region has been fully cleared, but in truth, some monsters still remain. I may have to leave the estate again for further extermination, so I wanted you to be aware. Thankfully, they’re still staying in their habitats, but there’s always a chance they could encroach on populated areas.”
“I’ve heard monsters have terrifying strength and insatiable appetites. To protect people from them… You’re doing something truly noble.”
The Dibiran region had once been densely populated. But ages ago—so long ago no one remembered when—monsters appeared, devastated the area, and claimed it as their own.
Driving them out of such a place was no small feat.
Monsters devoured any visible creature. If there were no animals, they’d uproot trees and eat those. And when even those were gone, they’d shovel dirt into their mouths. Their grotesque appetite terrified those who fought them.
“I’m simply doing what needs to be done.”
Benjamin replied calmly.
‘He could easily boast about this, but he doesn’t. That’s admirable.’
Perhaps he was just being reserved because they weren’t close yet, but everything she’d seen so far suggested otherwise. Benjamin did what needed to be done, didn’t flaunt his achievements, and still held a quiet pride in his own worth.
Shai asked cautiously,
“Will you have to leave again soon for another monster extermination?”
Benjamin answered seriously.
“Not at the moment… but it depends on how things develop.”
‘So the imperial summons must have been related to another expedition. There’s no set date, but it’ll probably be soon.’
Organizing her thoughts, Shai said,
“I see. If there are any changes, please let me know.”
Benjamin replied,
“I’ll be sure to inform you of even the smallest matters.”
Shai chuckled.
“You look like you’d even answer how many times you go to the bathroom in a day.”
“If you’d like, I can give you a minute-by-minute schedule. I don’t want to cause you unnecessary worry.”
It could have sounded cold at first, but strangely, Shai didn’t mind his tone at all. It felt like he took her words seriously—whatever she said.
Emboldened by his attitude, Shai spoke up.
“Benjamin, there’s something I’d like to say.”
“Whatever it is.”
His response made her pause and take a deep breath.
Bringing up a mistake she couldn’t even remember made her nervous. Her memory loss didn’t erase what she had done, and though she had tried to live decently under her father’s abuse, a part of her still felt wronged.
But she couldn’t pretend forever.
“I heard that I dismissed all the maids from your former household. I realize now how foolish that was. I’d like to choose some of them to return.”
Once she made up her mind, the words came surprisingly easily.
And as she spoke, Shai realized just how tense she had been.
‘My father never listened to anything I said. He either ignored me, forced me to obey, or laughed in my face. I must’ve been worried Benjamin would be the same.’
Even though he wasn’t that man, she still couldn’t escape the shadow. It was pathetic.
So Shai pressed on, speaking more clearly.
“But since I wronged them, I should first soothe their feelings and ask what they want. Calling them back so suddenly might provoke resentment.”
‘I always told myself—I won’t be broken by my father’s shadow. If I give in, I’ll crumble beyond repair.’
And with that, she resolved herself.
‘This man may be male, but that’s where the similarity ends. He speaks differently. He acts differently. He’s not my father.’
“As the Grand Duchess, I intend to apologize for my past disrespect and show them I’m sincere.”
