~Chapter 36~
“Most people don’t speak so easily about their own death.”
Damien said calmly.
“Even if they hypothetically do, they’re usually shaken by it.”
It felt like a secret I’d kept buried was now laid bare.
A secret no one knew—one that spanned even my past life.
“From now on, please don’t talk about your own death so lightly.”
I couldn’t respond to his words.
Only after his footsteps echoed down the hallway could I finally ask him a question.
“…Why?”
“Because it makes me sad.”
When I looked up, his usual gentle amethyst eyes were watching me.
“Because you’re the one who showed me the light.”
The light…
I wondered what he meant by “light.”
Was it the pain relief from the curse?
Or the fact that I helped him walk outside without a mask?
‘Either way, it’s the same for me.’
Before marriage, I had lived trapped in a dark room at House Aristia, never exposed to any kind of light.
Through marriage with Damien, I was finally able to live a life where I could do what I liked and wanted.
Wouldn’t this be called “light” too?
“…I’ve lived a life far too close to death until now.”
After a long silence, I finally spoke.
“I’ve been sick ever since I was born. Even the slightest mistake could have killed me.”
And this wasn’t just true in this life.
In my past life, I was also born ill, bound to a hospital bed, and died of illness before I turned thirty.
“I was so close to death from such a young age, and I was terrified. To survive, I brainwashed myself.”
With no family to rely on and medical staff always too busy, I endured the fear of death alone.
I had to accept the inevitability of my death and find a way to cope.
“I convinced myself that I was always destined to die at any moment, that death wasn’t special.”
“Did that make it a little easier?”
“Yes.”
It might’ve been a temporary fix, but it worked.
So I chose to stick with that mindset.
“I’m still afraid of death, but it’s no longer the scariest thing in my life. I guess that’s why I started talking about it so casually.”
It had been a careless thing to do.
Now, I understood.
Even if we were in a contractual marriage, Damien respected me and genuinely cared for me.
And even the people in this mansion, though I hadn’t been here long, treated me like a true member of the household.
My death might actually make them sad.
“Maybe because I’ve always lived close to death, I started to feel a kinship with things related to it. Ghosts, spirits, grim reapers… things like that.”
Entities close to death, yet not fully alive nor dead.
They were often rejected.
It was inevitable that I’d be drawn to them.
“That’s probably why I naturally grew fond of scary things.”
I had never shared this story with anyone—not in this life or the last.
But I’d always thought about telling someone, someday.
Since Damien had always accepted whatever I did, I thought maybe he’d understand.
It was childish of me, too.
“I can relate very much.”
His deep purple eyes shimmered with empathy.
“While suffering from my curse, I often found myself thinking that the other cursed beings—those people others called monsters—looked just like me.”
In the end, the reason both of us were drawn to frightening and supernatural things was the same:
A sense of kinship.
“So you were the same too, Damien.”
“There might be a reason we came to like similar things.”
“That’s true. We do have a lot in common. People are naturally drawn to others who resemble them.”
Damien continued walking down the corridor, still holding me in his arms, even though we’d reached my room a while ago.
He just wanted to keep talking with me.
Seeing him like that made me feel guilty for having worried him.
“But truly, ever since I married you, I’ve been living the best life I’ve ever had.”
It might not have been enough, but I tried my best to reassure him with those words.
Maybe I had taken death too lightly until now, but from now on, I’d be different.
“Now that I’ve found happiness, I shouldn’t be so quick to give it up. I’m sorry. I’ll be more careful.”
“Good.”
Damien nodded.
Only then did he stop walking in circles around the hall and pause in front of my room.
“I’ll also try to live earnestly—for my wife, and for the people of this house.”
His soft smile and words of resolve made him look very dependable.
‘Is this what marriage is supposed to be?’
A reliable supporter who brings comfort?
‘That’s strange. That’s not what I heard marriage was like.’
From cursed emotions, I’d met countless minor curses that lamented:
“I was sold off to that bastard husband,”
“I can’t live because of that nagging wife,”
“Marriage turned into a living hell.”
‘Even my father’s marriage ended in disaster because of me and my mother.’
And yet, Damien and I had started our relationship through a political arrangement—essentially the source of many scandals and broken marriages.
‘Still, the fact that we’re maintaining a peaceful married life like this… I guess I’m lucky.’
If it’s good, it’s good.
There was no need to search for the reason.
“Alright, you must be tired. Get some rest.”
Damien personally placed me gently on the bed.
I’d never experienced such care, even as a child.
His face was so close that my ears flushed slightly, but I smiled to hide it.
“Thank you. No one’s ever tucked me into bed before.”
“I heard husbands do things like this.”
Oh… so having a husband was actually quite a good thing.
“I see. Then, as your wife, um…”
“Just hold my hand often.”
I was at a loss for what to say, but Damien kindly guided me.
“And sometimes, wives give their husbands lap pillows at night.”
Lap pillows…
A form of physical affection much bolder than holding hands. Embarrassed, I hesitated, but nodded willingly.
Damien was trying so hard to act like a real husband—I should match his effort too.
“O-Okay. Lap pillow it is!”
“Great.”
He smiled softly.
“Then, sleep well.”
As he left the room, I waved at him.
When I blew out the candle, darkness settled in the room. Lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling, I continued thinking.
‘Tomorrow, I have to work on the twins’ commissioned painting…’
There’s also the art lessons with the teacher Damien hired for me.
And one hour of playtime with the dolls to keep my promise.
‘And finally… the lap pillow for Damien.’
I imagined his head on my lap, me looking down at him.
Just the thought made my heart beat faster.
‘Will I be able to do it?’
I fell asleep, lost in serious thought.
* * *
“Milady, you’ve received a few letters. From Mr. Mirian, Baron Quaker, and someone named Feslben.”
“Oh, alright. I’ll check them.”
Ever since becoming the duchess, I had started receiving letters from people I used to know.
Most of them weren’t important, but I made it a habit to check carefully—just in case.
As usual, I skillfully sliced open the seal to read the letter.
And then—
“Kyaaaaah!”
The maid who handed me the letter screamed.
