Chapter 46
His eyes were very calm and deep.
When he looked at me quietly, just those green eyes gazing at me helped me feel a little calmer.
It was strange—just looking into his eyes, why did that feel like comfort? Like understanding?
Once I settled down a bit and focused on him, he finally spoke.
“You say you’re sensitive and reckless, but if you could see your expression right now, you wouldn’t say that.”
He gently cupped my face, as if I might break, and said,
“You have the face of someone in despair.”
Despair. It was only after hearing that word that I finally realized it.
Yes. I had been in despair ever since my marriage to Bernhard.
Even now, after all that pain had disappeared as if it were a lie, I still hadn’t completely escaped despair.
Despair is like a swamp—it never lets go once it grabs hold of you.
I thought I had moved on. Whenever I wasn’t in pain, whenever I felt even a little better, I believed I was healed and happy again.
But then, I would notice it in the smallest things—how my way of thinking had turned so dark, how I had soaked myself in unhappiness.
I was still in despair.
Even now, just a little push from someone could shake me. Could hurt me. And in response, I would become pitiful.
I thought I had accepted it, but it still felt unfair. But more than that, it just hurt.
How long would I continue being a burden to others, tormenting myself, repeating this endless cycle—crying, hurting, making a scene?
How long would the people around me endure someone like me?
Just thinking about it made my heart ache.
I lowered my head and stayed silent for a moment, then, after barely calming myself, I placed my cold hand over my burning eyes.
I had to stay composed. I had to act normal. I had to see myself from the outside and regain an objective sense of balance.
“…I’ve troubled you again. This is the second time I’ve acted like this. Even if you start to dislike me, I wouldn’t blame you. You’re free to leave.”
Even trying to get to know someone new was too much for me. Even this was too greedy of a wish.
My pain was mine alone. I shouldn’t expect others to understand it.
Just as I had done with Raina, the same applied to me. I shouldn’t place the burden of my life on someone else.
This was my responsibility, not his.
Even though my voice had regained its calmness, tears still kept falling from my eyes.
So, I removed his hand from my face, covered my face with one hand, and turned slightly away as I continued speaking.
“I’ll stay with Countess Lydia for a while, then return home.”
A fan—I should have brought a fan.
How foolish. I couldn’t even control my expression properly, so what was I thinking, getting excited about meeting him?
Then, he stepped aside from the table, knelt, and gently took my hand as if it were made of glass.
“If I apologize like this, will my feelings reach you? Please don’t cry. It hurts me to see you in pain because of me.”
I widened my tear-filled eyes in shock.
A single drop of water fell from my eyelashes.
Completely taken aback, I stammered,
“What…? Please, stand up. Why are you… doing this?”
He held my hand and looked up at my face.
His pale, soft face, his clear green eyes—
“I don’t know what happened to you. But I’m sorry for touching your wounds. So, please don’t belittle yourself like that. Whatever happened, I can tell just by looking at you that you have suffered deeply.”
His words made my heart ache.
In the end, I sank back into my seat.
He sat across from me and simply waited as I cried and tried to calm myself.
Thanks to that, I was finally able to collect myself.
As my tears stopped and my mind cooled, I felt relieved that there was no one else around. At least, no one had seen me like this.
But apart from that relief, there was still one question lingering in my mind as I looked at him.
It was a strange suspicion, but I couldn’t hold it back.
I hesitated, then carefully asked,
“…Did my father hire you? To comfort me?”
Surprised, he widened his eyes, then let out a short laugh behind his hand.
“Of course not.”
Then, with a slight smile, he added,
“No one in this world could hire me like that—except for one person.”
His tone wasn’t arrogant or boastful. He simply stated it as a fact.
That made it sound even more true.
But I had already guessed that he was from a noble family, so I wasn’t too surprised.
“…I’m sorry. It’s just… someone being so kind to me for no reason felt strange, so I started thinking in that direction.”
He reached out and gently stroked my cheek again as he said,
“I just found it amusing. Don’t let it get you down.”
His fingers lightly tapped my cheek in a kind, playful gesture.
I already felt calm, so it was a little embarrassing.
There was no need to treat me like a child—I wasn’t crying anymore.
His kindness felt almost too much. It was the kind of warmth one would show to a family member.
Finally, I muttered,
“This is exactly why I started suspecting you.”
He chuckled softly.
“It looks like you’re feeling better now.”
With my tear-streaked face and red eyes, I wasn’t in a position to say this, but my mind was completely clear again.
So, I joked,
“I’m not crazy, you know.”
I must have looked ridiculous saying that while covered in tears.
But instead of mocking me, he simply nodded.
“I know. You’re just someone who’s been hurt. So it’s only natural that even small things feel painful and difficult right now. That’s not strange at all.”
His understanding words left me speechless.
How was he so good at saying things that comforted and reassured me?
I let the silence settle between us.
A peaceful, quiet moment lingered between us.
Then, at last, I smiled.
“It’s strange. The way we met that day. And how, even though we’ve only met twice, you say things that make me so happy.”
I thought about it.
It was almost too convenient—too perfectly timed. Everything had unfolded in a way that benefited me.
I remembered my father’s words.
“If someone is overly kind to you for no clear reason, you must doubt and doubt again.”
But…
I looked at him—the person who had comforted me on a painful day, who had given me a good day today, who had soothed me even when I suddenly broke down in tears.
His delicate, pale profile. His gentle smile. His warm green eyes and beautiful black hair.
Seeing him, I felt a fondness growing inside me.
So even if I considered the possibility, I didn’t feel angry or hurt.
If this wasn’t just a coincidence—so what?
He had already given me so much comfort.
And I didn’t have time to play long, careful games with him.
Soon, I had to visit the Payne Viscount’s mines.
“…But believing in such lucky coincidences goes against how we were raised, doesn’t it?”
I lightly touched my empty teacup and smiled awkwardly.
This was something new for me.
“I’m sure you know—we weren’t raised to believe in coincidences like this. So even if you did approach me with a purpose, I wouldn’t be upset.”
I smiled warmly at him.
“If you have a request for me, you can ask now. I always repay my debts.”
His gloves lay neatly on the table.
They reminded me that I was willing to return his kindness.
“So if you had a reason for approaching me, I wouldn’t resent you. Because I’ve already come to like you too much.”
He opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it again.
He seemed to be thinking deeply.
I simply waited.
And finally, when he spoke again, his words were unexpected.
“…I won’t deny everything. I can’t say I didn’t know you at all. That would be a lie. But I swear on my honor—our first meeting was purely a coincidence.”
Then, he chuckled.
“If I were in your place, I would have been suspicious too. I probably would have even investigated.”
Then he looked at me with a new kind of gaze and murmured,
“I thought we had nothing in common, but maybe we do.”
