Chapter 28
At last I spoke first.
“You still haven’t answered my question.”
“…….”
“I asked why you boarded this train.”
“……Because I was worried about your safety.”
“You do know we’re leaving Ibswin territory, right?”
“I know.”
“Giles. I’ve heard you have a lot of enemies. You know you’ll be exposed to danger the moment we leave Ibswin.”
“Yes. All true.”
“Then I can’t understand why you would get on a train bound for a foreign country without hesitation.”
I meant it. It wasn’t that I was worried he might come to harm — I just wanted to know what he was thinking. Because if it were me, I would never make that decision. I would never put my life on the line for someone else.
“Did you want to chase after me so badly that you’d drag yourself into danger? Was it impossible for you to give me up?”
“……You want the truth, so I’ll tell you. Yes. It’s exactly as you think.”
I closed my eyes. Facing the man sitting across from me no longer terrified me like it used to. Now I could ask for help at any time. Everyone on this train was on my side. So I no longer had to be afraid.
I was simply fed up. I was sick of him. I truly wanted to separate him from my life, but he had no intention of stepping back.
“Why… of all people, me?”
I asked, grinding the words out, and Giles didn’t answer.
“What is it that makes you unable to give me up? Or were you ordered to capture me? That would make sense. I’m still your enemy, aren’t I?”
“That won’t happen. I’m not going to just stand by and watch.”
“Stop sweet-talking me and tell me what’s actually in your head!”
Unable to bear it any longer, I slammed my fist down on the table. A heavy silence pressed on me. Giles looked at me with an expression that seemed somehow sad. Even that expression made me angry. Everything felt fake and like a lie.
What Albert expected of me was something else entirely, but in any case I couldn’t do what he wanted. The most I could do was talk with Giles, and I… honestly wanted to know what was inside him.
“Anna.”
“There’s no need to hide anything now. I’m— I’m ready to accept it. You didn’t have to deceive me from the start. Why would you? After all, I’m just a powerless fugitive. Just say it. Say whatever you’ve been thinking.”
“Anna, you seem like—”
Giles’ voice was, as always, calm and composed. But I could see a flicker of emotion in his eyes.
“You act as if you find it hard to accept that I don’t hold any ill will toward you.”
What did he mean by that? For a moment I couldn’t understand his words. He was lying. I was certain of it. All the men I’d met so far had been like that. Yet Giles spoke as if I couldn’t accept the truth as it was.
“If it isn’t ill will, what is it then?”
“……What do you mean?”
“You’ve been following me for months. If it’s not out of malice, then what?”
“I don’t bear you any grudge. As I said before… I thought you were in other kinds of danger. So I tracked your movements and investigated the people around you. I wanted you to be safe.”
“Why would you worry about my safety? What did I ever do to you!”
“You might think whatever you like, but to me you are the only person I never want to see hurt.”
I stopped speaking because I couldn’t understand Giles. I only stared at him for a moment.
“What did I ever do to you? I was just a woman hiding in an abandoned mansion. I did nothing for you. Yes, I played along with you, but that was an act. Lily Belmore never even existed. If you still expect that from me, give it up. I’m not that person.”
“It doesn’t matter what kind of person you are.”
“Then why do you want me?”
Giles’ lips moved as if trying to say something. I focused on him for a moment. I felt he was finally going to tell the truth.
Somehow the area around his eyes looked redder than before. Giles, who had been hesitant to speak, said in a slightly trembling voice:
“You’re… because I saved you. For that reason alone, you are the only person for me. You make me forget what I truly am. When I look at your face I can escape, even if only briefly, from the reality that surrounds me. You were… the only right decision I ever made.”
His face looked so sad and miserable that for an instant I mistook it for actual crying. But he wasn’t crying. There were no traces of tears.
Giles continued.
“But it seems you never felt the same. While I was lost in my peaceful delusion, you were gripped by fear of me. We were certainly in the same place, but it was as if we were in completely different worlds.”
I listened silently. At some point he felt utterly unfamiliar to me. Certainly the man in front of me was Giles Hessen—the Giles I knew. But at the same time he seemed like someone else entirely.
Everything about him, even his features, felt strange, as if I were meeting him for the first time.
“I’m sorry. I was selfish. I was only concerned with my own safety. I did a terrible thing to you. Only now do I realize it… I’m truly sorry.”
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t accept his apology, but I didn’t mock him as a liar either. For a moment my mind went blank.
No one could lie like that. So was Giles’ true feeling from the beginning the truth I wanted? That he never bore me ill will, that he never harbored base desires toward me? That simply because he had left me alive, he came to care for me?
He was right. I had no immunity to that sort of thing — to someone offering genuine kindness and never tainting it. I had never experienced that even once before, so it was still hard to accept.
He wanted me to be safe?
Was that all?
“How can you treat me like that? I’m a noble’s daughter and you’re a revolutionary officer. You shouldn’t have saved me in the first place. You shouldn’t be wishing for my safety even now.”
“I’ve already harmed too many people. It wasn’t because you were special that I saved you. I was just too exhausted then, and I didn’t want to take you away. I thought arresting you would be pointless.”
“Is that it?”
He had said everything. There was nothing left for him to reveal to me. I thought inwardly: a man who didn’t want me dead. A man who wanted me to live, and to live safely… He expected no reward.
By chance he had spared my life, and that small spark had become precious to him, and he feared it might be snuffed out.
If even the tiny light went out, he would be left alone in the dark.
I understood his words intellectually, but I still couldn’t accept Giles. As always, I never loved easily. If I gave my heart cheaply, I would only get hurt.
It wasn’t that I didn’t believe him; it was that I was afraid to trust him. Since childhood I had hardly ever truly trusted anyone. I had seen firsthand what happens when you trust too quickly.
If I trusted Giles, what would come next?
Even Albert, who spoke kindly and treated me gently, had ultimately approached me to use me. Then what about Giles?
I didn’t want to be disappointed again. If I didn’t give my heart, there would be nothing to disappoint me. Like him, I was tired.
So I rose from my seat. As I left, Giles did not reach out to stop me. He simply let me go.
Even though we’d only had a short conversation, I was exhausted. I didn’t want to think about anything right now. I needed to clear my head.
Likewise wanting to meet no one, I returned to my cabin in search of quiet.
I sat alone in the room and played the piano. This was my favorite piece. I liked its lyrical melody, but playing it also calmed me.
In fact most pieces did. If I focused on the slowly unfolding music, I sank into that world and other thoughts fell away. Only the music and I remained.
While I pressed the keys and spent time with the piano, a familiar voice suddenly struck my ear.
“Eloise! Where the hell do you think you’re going again!”
