ILTDAMH |CHAPTER 54

Chapter 54

I don’t think I should keep him here any longer.

At that same moment, she found herself longing to see the Duke’s household—and Olivia as well.

“…Thank you. For saying that. But that doesn’t mean I forgive you, Ruan.”

Though her heart ached to cry, Marican held herself back and spoke. 

Ruan nodded as though it were only natural.

“Rosaline, I’m not shameless enough to take advantage of your suffering just to earn points and beg forgiveness. Of course, if you chose to forgive me, I would be grateful. But still.”

“Ruan!”

Marican flared at his playful tone, but Ruan only gazed at her with an expression full of tenderness.

“That’s right. Don’t waste your emotions on things not worth your anger. That strength of yours—I’ve always admired it. Though, truthfully, every side of you is lovable to me.”

Nestled against his chest on their way back, Marican worried someone might see them. 

But thanks to Ruan’s habit of choosing deserted paths, they met no one.

“Thank you. You can put me down now,” she murmured, burying her face against him once they arrived at her house.

“Just for today. Forgive me this much.”

Ignoring her words, Ruan carried her inside and laid her carefully upon her bed.

“I’ll bring you a meal in an hour. Please, rest until then.”

“N-no. I can manage by myself—”

Not wanting to impose any further, she tried to rise, but Ruan gently pressed her back into the mattress.

“Rosaline, just today, do as I ask. You wouldn’t imagine that sharing a meal with me means forgiveness, would you? And if you’re worried about my cooking, don’t be. It’s edible enough—just wait a little.”

After tucking the blanket up to her chin, Ruan finally left.

The moment the door closed, Marican shot upright, pressing a hand to her chest.

“Haah… I must be crazy. My heart was pounding so hard in his arms. He didn’t hear it, did he?”

Her face flushed as she remembered being carried all the way home.

This is madness. 

My mind keeps insisting I can’t forgive him, but my heart goes wild every time I’m near. 

And that puppy Ruan—where has he gone lately? 

He used to wander the mountains, but now he comes home clean, like he’s been freshly bathed.

Just as she reached for the door, a voice drifted through from outside.

“Ruan, back again all filthy? Sharing a name with you is shameful enough. Do you think Rosaline favors you over me? Do you know how hard it is for her to wash you every single day?”

What? Ruan… scolding Ruan?

Holding her breath, Marican froze.

“And didn’t I tell you to stop wrecking Clea’s house? Every time you do, I have to fix it again. And whose idea was it to name a duck Clea, anyway? If she ever found out, she’d be furious—she despises ducks more than anything. Hah… don’t give me that look. I won’t fall for you the way Rosaline did. Now, come on—bath time. And afterward, I’ll give you your favorite sausage. But Rosaline isn’t feeling well today, so you’d better cheer her up. Got it? Answer me.”

“Woof! Woof!”

“Good. Then follow me.”

The sound of a door opening, then closing.

Since when did those two get so close?

Marican returned to bed, deep in thought.

Now that I think of it… ever since Ruan moved in next door, the puppy’s always come back spotless. 

At first he barked like mad. 

What, did you fall for his looks too?

Still, she smiled faintly. 

At least they get along now.

Before long she dozed off, only to be roused by quiet clatter.

“Shhh! Quiet, Ruan, or you’ll wake Mer. Next time I’ll bring a magic warmer. Cold food isn’t as good. Though maybe she should eat it now…”

He muttered as he set food gently on the table.

“I don’t mind cold food,” Marican said, stepping from the bed.

Startled, Ruan looked up. “Ah—Rosaline, did I wake you? The door wasn’t locked, so I thought I’d just leave this and go. Forgive me.”

“No, Ruan. I don’t usually lock it at this hour… since you come then.”

Because I expected you, she thought, but kept it inside.

“Ruan, come here.”

At her call, the puppy leapt into her arms.

“That’s not good. What if someone came in?” Ruan muttered, watching enviously.

“No one ever has. And you live right next door. You’d know first before anyone else.”

He flushed scarlet. “W-well, yes, but still! The only one who should ever come through this door is you, Rosaline.”

“Fine, fine. Now sit. There’s too much food—eat with me.”

“It’s only a little. You’ve had a hard day. Please eat.”

Marican glanced at the table piled high.

“Ruan… do you want me to return to the way I was before? Don’t I look better as I am now?”

He blinked, puzzled. “Rosaline, your form is yours to choose, not mine. I’ve never once wished you’d look any different. I love you, not appearances.”

She studied his face.

Yes… he’s always been like this. 

No. I can’t give in. This is the man who once used me like a sleeping pill. 

I mustn’t forget that.

“Ruan, you understand women’s hearts far too well.”

He looked stricken. “Rosaline, if that were true, wouldn’t I already have your forgiveness? The hardest thing in the world isn’t understanding women—it’s understanding you.”

“…Enough. Let’s eat together. Remember? You once said food tastes better when shared. Consider this my thanks for carrying me home. I didn’t make the meal, but let’s share it. Unless you don’t want to?”

“Really? Then… I’ll fetch my own food to add—”

“No, this is already too much—Ruan?”

But he was already gone, and Marican found herself smiling.

It’s been so long… since a meal tasted this good.

Since the day she collapsed at the bookshop, this was the first time they’d sat at a table together. 

Meals with him—something she once took for granted—felt now like a precious treasure.

Ruan realized the same. 

He had never known his cooking could taste so good—or was it simply that food felt delicious because she sat before him, eating with such joy? 

Either way, this was the best meal he’d had in months.

Throughout, he felt so happy, he wished time would stop.

“I heard from Charles. After I left, you barely ate. Sir Tablo had to force you.”

Watching him enjoy the food, Marican spoke cautiously.

“Ah, it wasn’t that I refused food—it was that I didn’t feel hungry. After you vanished, nothing mattered except finding you. Breathing was the only thing I remembered to do.”

Her expression dimmed.

“No hunger, huh… This is a secret, but when my sister used to say that, I could never understand. Whenever I struggled, I turned to food. Eating something delicious made the pain disappear. But after you died, I left the Duke’s house in the rain… I collapsed. Zelda found me.”

Ruan watched her quietly—this was the first time she had spoken of her days away.

“While staying with Zelda for a month, I finally understood. I felt no hunger at all. No matter how good the food she brought, I couldn’t eat. It startled me.”

“Rosaline …”

Ruan’s chest tightened. 

Because of me…

“Rosaline, I’m truly sorry. It was my fault.”

He bowed his head.

“Yes, it was because of you. If you hadn’t confessed love… If you hadn’t collapsed before me coughing blood… I wouldn’t have left the Duke’s estate. But what use is saying this now? It’s all in the past. I lost weight, yes, but Zelda stayed by me. I survived.”

“It may be the past, but even remembering it now must hurt. Vent your anger at me, at least. If it could ease even a fraction of your pain, I would gladly take it.”

She shook her head.

“Ruan, some wounds are too deep to touch. When you explained everything, my mind could understand. But my heart still can’t forgive. The man who confessed love to me deceived me. That, I can’t yet forgive.”

“Mer, I don’t ask for your understanding. No excuse could make it right. If I could go back, I’d cut my own wrist to stop myself from making that choice.”

“R-Ruan! That’s going too far. And honestly… the Ruan I know would make the same choice again.”

“Never. If I could return, I’d tell you the truth and hide you where the Crown Prince could never reach. Only now do I realize—what I thought was protecting you… was what hurt you most.”

His face was filled with regret, and Marican’s heart grew tangled.

This tie between us—it’s already over. Is it right to keep holding him here?

She realized it was time to let go.

I can’t keep him here any longer.

Yes. He had begged forgiveness with all his heart. It was enough.

If Ruan stayed, she feared she might be the one unable to let go.

She had only just laid her feelings to rest. 

She couldn’t afford to cling to him again.