Chapter 19: The Feeling I Felt for the First Time
2022.01.04
Askan was dragged by Tanasia’s hand into her room. On the way here, countless thoughts had raced through his mind. Should he resist? Should he run again? But he couldn’t make that choice, because he had just realized how formidable Zen was. If Zen noticed a suspicious person, he would search the area thoroughly. Breaking out of the heavily guarded Brelloff Mansion was practically impossible.
Askan recalled the moment he had encountered Zen. The instant Zen drew his sword, Askan hadn’t detected any weakness in him. If they fought as things stood, he would lose. That thought filled his mind completely. Askan had seen many skilled swordsmen in his time. During his escape from the laboratory, dozens had lost their lives at his hands. Yet among all he had met, no one had exuded the power that Zen did.
“Of all days… why today…”
The very day he had decided to escape, he had run into none other than Zen—a stroke of sheer misfortune. It was ridiculous, yet not entirely unusual; the world had always been harsh to him.
Tanasia left Askan alone in the room and peered outside the door, checking to see if anyone was following. Askan watched her back, unconsciously clenching the bag he was holding. Inside were a few simple clothes, money he had secretly saved, and the food Tanasia had packed for him. He didn’t know why she had saved him, but if she saw this, she would realize he had tried to escape.
“…She’ll blame me.”
He imagined Tanasia berating him with harsh words. She might call him ungrateful despite all she had done. Even if she decided to experiment on and punish him again, he could say nothing. Whatever happened, it would be impossible to return to their previous rapport.
“A good relationship?”
The thought made him doubt himself. Tanasia had been kind to him for a reason—some ulterior motive. The fact that he had mistaken it for a genuine relationship left him stunned.
Click. Satisfied no one was following, Tanasia gently closed the door and approached Askan. Watching her get closer, he steeled himself; he was sure she would scold him. As expected, the first thing she did was grab the bag from his hands and examine its contents.
“Were you really planning to run away?”
“Yes.”
By this point, lying was useless. Askan admitted it obediently, closing his eyes tightly as he braced for the harsh words she would unleash. Then, an unexpected sound made him open his eyes. For some reason, Tanasia was rifling through a jewelry box. The scene was so sudden and absurd that he could only stare in disbelief.
“You planned such an important thing and didn’t even consult me? Even if you didn’t trust me, that’s just inconsiderate.”
With that, Tanasia approached with her hands full of jewels, stuffing them into Askan’s bag.
“How far did you think you could hide with such a small amount? It’s far too little. If you want to erase your identity and avoid being caught, you need enough funds.”
Askan remained silent, only able to watch her. Tanasia often said things he couldn’t understand, but this was the first time he truly wondered what was on her mind.
“If I were you, I would’ve emptied everything in this room by now.”
“…Are you telling me to steal?”
“You were already planning to escape, right? You know slaves get their ankles cut off if they’re caught. Stealing wouldn’t make a difference.”
Technically, she wasn’t wrong, but the idea of Tanasia saying it was almost absurd. She returned the jewel-filled bag to him. As he received it, he couldn’t comprehend the situation.
“What… are you doing?”
“Can’t you see? I’m providing your escape funds.”
“My escape funds… why are you giving them to me?”
“Have you forgotten? We agreed to be happy together.”
He hadn’t forgotten Tanasia’s outlandish words:
—From now on, I’m going to execute the ‘live happily and enjoy life’ project. If you want, you can join me.
Not exactly forgotten—he simply hadn’t believed them. He wasn’t naïve enough to trust “let’s be happy together” without expecting anything in return. The world he had known wasn’t that kind. Askan gripped the bag, now heavier with jewels, even tighter.
Given the situation, he had to know. Until now, he had assumed she wouldn’t answer honestly even if he asked. Even if she did, he wouldn’t have believed her. But now it was different. He couldn’t help but ask what was on Tanasia’s mind.
“Why are you being so good to me? Please, be honest. If you want anything, I’ll do it.”
“I don’t particularly want anything…”
Askan cut her off, not wanting to hear empty words.
“You were curious about my abilities. You once asked how to take Noxia’s powers from her, didn’t you?”
“That was before. Not anymore.”
“I don’t know everything about my powers either, but if you ask, I’ll tell you everything I know. Would you still refuse?”
Until now, Askan had had no reason to cooperate with her experiments. Revealing his identity would have been dangerous, as pursuers could track him. But now it was different. If Tanasia wanted him to share, it was worth it. The jewels in the bag could be considered payment for the information—a fair trade. He genuinely wanted to know what she wanted from him.
“I don’t need Noxia’s powers anymore.”
But Tanasia’s answer surprised him. She scratched her cheek awkwardly, then chuckled lightly.
“Noxia is Noxia, I am me. I don’t care about those things anymore, so you shouldn’t either. Were you still thinking about that?”
Askan felt like he’d been hit on the head. He had assumed her kindness was to extract information, but it wasn’t.
Then… why?
He had nothing that would benefit her by helping him. Askan’s distrustful gaze met hers.
“Why are you being good to me?”
“Hmm, just because.”
“You expect me to believe that?”
“Why wouldn’t you? What do I gain from being kind to you?”
He had no response. Tanasia’s words were true. She spoke as if it were nothing, but it was the first time someone had ever shown him selfless kindness. Until now, he had never trusted anyone, and now, for the first time, he felt an unfamiliar warmth stir within him. Her past words replayed in his mind:
—Our family owns many villas. Shall we go visit sometime? Can you swim? If not, I’ll teach you.
—I want you to be happy.
—Remember from now on what you like and what you dislike.
—You are mine.
It was dizzying. His mind spun like he was lightheaded, a strange heat bubbling in his chest. Askan’s golden eyes reflected the swirling chaos as he stared at Tanasia. Never before had he felt this confused.
“Are you saying there’s truly no reason for being good to me?”
“Yes. Have you only lived deceived?”
A faint light flickered outside. Tanasia dashed to check. Apparently, people were searching the mansion grounds for suspicious individuals. Satisfied no one was outside, she returned and spoke sternly.
“I get it—you want to escape. But not today. I’ll wait for the right moment to get you outside.”
Askan said nothing. He could feel the sincerity in her words.
“Pack more clothes and rations. Take a horse too. Even with your stamina, walking has limits, and riding will help avoid suspicion.”
He couldn’t believe Tanasia was secretly planning the operation. He had never imagined having a conversation like this with her.
“Are you really going to help me escape?”
“Yes. Otherwise, why would I say this?”
“But… I’m a slave of the Brelloff family.”
“Well, living as a slave isn’t ideal for anyone. And your escape without being caught is important to me too.”
The word anyone made Askan feel she knew something. But he dismissed the suspicion—she likely didn’t know about his past escape from the laboratory.
“I wanted to stay by your side if possible. But if this is what you want, I won’t stop you. I’ll help—so this time, don’t doubt me. Trust me.”
Trust me, trust me, trust me… The words echoed in Askan’s mind. He had never trusted anyone in his life. Trust wasn’t something he could just give. Yet Tanasia’s actions gave him that trust for the first time.
Frozen, Askan watched as she gestured for him to the door.
“What are you doing? Hurry to your room before anyone comes.”
He nodded, intending to follow her instructions. Suddenly, she grabbed his wrist. He stared at her small, white hand holding his wrist without hesitation.
“Wait a moment. Carrying that bag will make you suspicious first.”
Tanasia fetched a black robe from the dressing room and draped it over his shoulders, adjusting his appearance. Her small, delicate hands brushed his shoulders and head. He could only watch.
“All set.”
Satisfied, she pushed him gently toward his room.
“I’d like to escort you all the way, but if we stay together, we’ll attract attention. Be careful and don’t let anyone notice you.”
“…Understood.”
“If anyone finds out, just say I told you to do it. I’ll handle the aftermath.”
“Yes.”
Tanasia showed him a fist as if to encourage him, then closed the door. Askan walked toward his room as if in a trance. The touch of her hands burned on every part of his body—the hair, shoulders, wrists, back—all imprinted in his mind. The robe carried her scent, as if he were embracing her. Everything seemed dizzying. The path to his room, familiar from countless walks, spun before him. He finally stopped, pressing his face with both hands. His mind overflowed with the lingering images of Tanasia—the intelligent eyes, smooth pale skin, red lips, her clear voice, and sweet laughter. His heart raced like never before. He felt a feeling he had never felt before—excitement.
