~Chapter 16~
As I recalled that time, my father’s voice rang in my ears.
“You mustn’t show weakness, Elaine. Don’t act like a girl—behave like a man.”
But I am a girl. Why wasn’t I allowed to look like one?
Why did I have to keep up this pointless bravado and pretend to be strong?
No—why was expressing emotion considered “girly” in the first place?
Even boys cry and throw tantrums, don’t they?
“Don’t mingle with girls. Make friends with boys instead. If you stand out, your secret will be exposed.”
That line always irritated me. Did that mean Beth was the only real friend I was allowed to have?
What—was I only allowed male friends?
All I wanted… was a girl friend. That’s it.
But that simple wish began to twist into something else after I came of age.
I thought my father would say I no longer needed to deceive the demons and could stop crossdressing.
But he didn’t.
“Uphold the honor of the Pascal sons, Elaine Pascal!”
“Hold on. I’m not the only son with a name to protect. What about Jairo—”
“Trying to use your busy eldest brother—who can’t even come home because he’s fighting pirates down south—as a shield to run away?!”
Instead of acknowledging my desire to quit the knightly life, he simply ignored it.
“Well, now I understand.”
Once I realized I had reincarnated, everything made more sense.
Following the original plot, Elaine Pascal had to remain a holy knight—only to be stabbed and killed by the very princesses she protected.
In the original story, Elaine Pascal was buried as a man.
Before I remembered my past life, I used to wonder:
“How long do I have to live like this?”
Seriously, how long?
And then another problem cropped up once I became an adult.
Marriage proposals began coming in from noble families who didn’t know I was a woman.
Unlike priests, holy knights could technically marry—as long as they left the order. That made things complicated.
“Ah, Marquis Pascal. I’ve heard much of your family’s recent prestige.”
“Ho ho, you flatter me.”
“Speaking of which… my daughter has come of age…”
My father would come home multiple times a day, looking dead serious after getting calls from matchmaking agents.
“Thankfully, nothing ever advanced to the official engagement stage…”
It helped that I had a dull, second-rate face with brown hair and green eyes—not exactly attractive even as a man.
Plus, my father was adamant about keeping me in the knight order, refusing to let me resign.
Still, some noble ladies didn’t give up. Apparently, I was their type.
After a few rounds of this chaos, I realized:
I couldn’t keep avoiding it forever.
“At this rate, I’ll end up marrying a woman… and living a life of lies forever.”
Or worse—
“I’ll end up alone, growing old and dying by myself…”
I doubt my family knew how I really felt.
Because I never showed it.
I might act out on impulse from time to time, but I never flat-out disobeyed or rebelled.
And I never liked sharing my worries with others.
That’s probably why everyone was so shocked when I suddenly gave up crossdressing.
“Anyway, I forced my way through and made it here.”
Lost in my nostalgic thoughts, I realized we had returned to the market entrance.
“Oh.”
That’s when I remembered something urgent I had forgotten.
“That skewer shop…”
But the stand where I had tasted a single bite and spit it out was already gone.
“A shame.”
I’d wanted to ask the vendor something.
Noticing my gaze, Karl suddenly spoke up—maybe he was trying to change the topic after the heavy mood.
“It was monster heart skewers.”
“Ah, I thought so.”
With that mystery solved, I felt a bit refreshed.
Karl sounded puzzled by my reaction.
“…You knew?”
“No. It just tasted strange.”
To be exact, it made my tongue tingle and go numb.
At first, I wasn’t sure what it was.
The feeling was like a mild electric shock—not the kind of sensation normal spices could cause.
But the inside of my tongue, where the meat had touched, had a sharp, unpleasant sting.
It was similar to how I felt when touching monster blood.
“Most people with holy power are sensitive to demonic energy.”
High-ranking knights who serve the Pope are said to react to monsters from hundreds of meters away.
But I didn’t have much divine power, so I could only sense it through direct contact—touching a monster or its blood.
Then it hit me: the feeling when I bit into the skewer… was almost identical.
“That’s why I suspected it was monster meat.”
Wait a second… I felt that exact tingling sensation recently, too…
“…You actually put that in your mouth?”
Karl cut into my thoughts with a sharp glare—as if he had eyes on the back of his head.
I could even hear the exasperated sigh in his voice.
I mumbled in defense.
“What else was I supposed to do? I was starving, and none of the other vendors would sell to me.”
“You could’ve—”
Karl abruptly stopped speaking.
Then I noticed: in the arm not holding the child, he had a basket.
Not just any basket. It held my shoes, my cloak… was he a traveling merchant now?
And from that basket came the smell of delicious food.
“…Wait, did you actually pack food?”
“How could I let the Duke’s bride from the capital eat something like monster meat?”
“Come to think of it, you knew it was monster meat, didn’t you?”
That’s why he stopped me from eating it.
Karl answered calmly.
“You can tell by the grain of the meat, the color, and the shape of the organs.”
“Of course. You’re a monster hunter.”
“People without resistance to monster toxins can break out in hives.”
“…”
“If the vendor doesn’t clean the toxins properly—like that guy—it’s basically guaranteed.”
No wonder there were no customers.
The place must have a bad reputation.
I listened quietly, then asked:
“Then why sell it at all if it’s dangerous?”
“…Aren’t you going to ask why they’d sell something so disgusting in the first place?”
“Not really. Meat is meat—even if it comes from a monster.”
I was shocked at first, sure, but now I was used to it.
If I hadn’t realized I’d reincarnated, I might have been grossed out, though…
I remembered a scene from the original novel where the male lead, stranded in the wild, purified monster meat to survive.
It was used to hint at the Holy Knight’s fall from grace.
The imperial church considered all things related to monsters filthy and profane.
No wonder the Pope hated anything monster-related.
Ironically, Duke Silence—who was supposed to hunt monsters—also hated his own monster-related powers.
So is anything with the word “monster” just automatically bad to these people?
Shaking off the thought, I asked another question.
“Don’t you purify it before eating?”
In the novel, when the knight-leader purified the meat, he didn’t get sick.
“That would help, yes.”
“But only Holy Knights and priests from the capital can use that level of divine power.”
“And the Holy Knights…”
“Haven’t shown up in a while. The priests are too few—and uncooperative.”
Karl added after a pause.
“As for why it’s sold—because it sells.”
“…”
“Go a bit farther north, and there isn’t enough pasture for cows or sheep. Even here, we’re at the limit.”
He carried me steadily as he spoke.
“So the people here occasionally eat monster meat as a substitute.”
I felt the warmth of his arm against my thigh.
“Though anything as toxic as that is usually avoided.”
“…”
“In desperate times, people chew on roots.”
His eyes darkened slightly as he spoke calmly.
I looked into those narrowing golden pupils and asked:
“Because of supply shortages?”
“…Should I praise you for such a correct answer?”
That’s a problem I can help solve.
Finally, something I could take action on.
Even with my weak divine power, I was still a former Holy Knight.
For once, I felt like I could do something as the Duke’s wife.
Grinning to myself from Karl’s back, I felt a new sense of purpose.
