HDBMTD 68

~Chapter 68~

“W-wait.”

Just before our lips touched, I pushed Nocturne’s chest and stepped back.

Not like this. Not in this kind of relationship.

Of all things, to meet him in the fire, be saved by him, survive thanks to him, watch him defeat the enemy, and then kiss him afterward—

I didn’t want to make Nocturne my savior.

And I especially didn’t want to become the “Aria” he had finally rescued from the flames.

Because soon, Nocturne would lose me again.

And because, in truth, I desperately wanted to be saved.

I thought of the chair in the special room of the holding pen. Even Aria, who tried to embrace everything, had someone she could never forgive.

Inheriting Aria’s memories, I couldn’t forgive them either. I didn’t want to give them anything good, didn’t want them to be saved, didn’t want them to reach their loved ones.

It was as if Aria herself were sitting in that chair, eyes glowing red, giving the order:

When the light shines overhead, the darkness should shrink small and deep.
Do not dare to swallow it.

“What’s the problem?”

While I dropped my gaze to the floor and took a deep breath, Nocturne asked. His voice was lower and rougher than usual.

“…Not yet.”

I whispered back.

“You haven’t said you want to be my pair yet.”

“Heh.”

Nocturne let out a short sigh and ran a hand through his hair. The dangerous blue glow in his eyes flickered.

“Do you want to see someone go crazy?”

His voice dropped a tone, all calmness gone, trembling as if holding back anger.

“You’re still saying we’re nothing.”

As he took a step toward me, I instinctively stepped back.

“Always in front of me—drinking poison, rushing into danger… engulfed in flames.”

With each word, he stepped forward, and I stepped back—until my back hit a cold wall.

Nocturne stopped in front of me, his shadow covering me completely.

“I told you not to be disgusted by yourself.”

His words pulled me back to the moment I drank poison and collapsed, telling him that.

I looked up at him. His eyes were as dark as the abyss, yet as cold as dawn.

“That’s why I’m trying to treat you well.”

“That’s…”

“But if, the moment I ease my watch, you do something like this—how am I supposed to…”

His voice grew quieter. Lowering his gaze, he looked hollow, like a child watching a sandcastle crumble.

“Tell me what I’m supposed to do.”

When he spoke again, his voice was rougher and sharper.

“I said I’d give you anything. So tell me—what do you want from me?”

His face was a mix of anger and desperation, searching for one last thread between us—for proof there was something left, for hope for the future.

I steadied my breathing and spoke.

“Call my name.”

My voice came out calm.

“Call me by my name—call me Vis.”

Nocturne’s eyes wavered. I spoke firmly.

“I won’t give this up. How can I be your pair if you can’t even say my name?”

It sounded like I wanted to be recognized as myself, not as Aria, and to be loved wholly.

But that wasn’t what really mattered.

The real problem was that Nocturne loved Aria too much.

When he was young, Aria was his whole world. She saved him and made him who he was.

For him to hold the belief that “this must be Aria” and cling even to her clone—wasn’t that far too heavy a love?

I, who would leave him soon, couldn’t accept that kind of love.

Yes, I could never be the Aria he had finally regained. I mustn’t be.

From the moment he suggested becoming pairs, I had decided—if he wouldn’t call my name, I wouldn’t agree.

If he couldn’t do even that, then pairing with me wouldn’t soothe his madness, it would feed it.

“Call my name and kiss me. Then I’ll accept.”

“….”

Nocturne’s lips moved.

He looked like he might speak, but nothing came out.

I had expected this—he had never called me by any name.

If he let go of the possibility that I was Aria, he would have to accept that Aria was truly dead.

Seeing him at a loss for words, his lips just moving, overlapped with the image of his younger self in my mind. My heart softened despite myself. I hurried to speak.

“It doesn’t have to be now.”

I reached out to him. My fingers slid into his black hair, gently stroking it.

He rested his head on my shoulder as if seeking peace. I held him and murmured softly.

Aria just… loved you too much.
If she had loved you a little less, maybe this wouldn’t be so hard for me.
Then maybe I could have…

7. After loving you, even the dead

On the way to the hospital with Nocturne, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep.

And I dreamed—clearly a memory from my Cambiata days.

In the dream, I was observing a psychic-type Eshafé tied to “the chair.”

She had been a constant nuisance to our organization, but we had finally broken her with brainwashing and seated her in the purification group.

Normally, she was known for her unshakable mental strength, immune to brainwashing—but by targeting those around her one by one, we had finally made her mental defenses crumble.

Her partner was also a formidable combat-type Eshafé, and it was great fun to watch him be helpless as his lover attacked him.

Watching Eshafés who thought themselves strong fall into despair was always satisfying.

When the combat-type Eshafé collapsed after being attacked without mercy—

—I’ll kill you.

A voice slipped into my head, making me flinch.

—With my own hands…

I realized the woman in the chair was staring at me.

Startled, I tried to get up, but my body wouldn’t move.

Then suddenly, she started coming toward me.

No—was I being pulled toward her?

The sight of her sitting still yet growing closer and closer felt like a nightmare.

Finally, she drove the sword in her hand into the hollow between my collarbones.

“Kh…!”

I spat blood and lifted my head.

The face I met was—

“…Aria?”

In that instant, everything became clear.

When I came to, the sword was in my own hand.

Realizing I was driving it into myself, I snapped my eyes open.

“Hah…!”

I bolted upright, and Tita rushed over.

“Your Highness, are you all right?”

“Tita.”

I didn’t remember getting out of the carriage, but now I was lying in a hospital bed. Checking the clock, nearly half a day had passed.

“You’re sweating cold. Did you have another nightmare?”

A nightmare? Yes… that’s right.

The memory was hazy, but it must have been a Cambiata-era dream. The feeling of having hurt someone still lingered like an aftertaste.

When I nodded slowly, Tita quickly called for a healer.

Soon, my assigned healer, Rina, came into the room.

She examined me carefully before speaking.

“Fortunately, it doesn’t look like you have any major injuries.”

Then she gave me a sharp look.

“But that was incredibly dangerous. As if going into that kind of village in your condition wasn’t enough, you even ran into a burning building. When I heard about it later, I nearly froze.”

“Sorry for worrying you.”

“No, that’s not what I meant.”

Rina adjusted her glasses with a complicated expression.

“Actually… I’m really grateful that the princess I’ve always admired saved my life. But as your healer, my feelings are complicated. From a distance, you were a hero in my fantasies, but now that I’ve seen your medical chart…”

“Did it shatter your fantasy?”

“The opposite! I respect you even more now. I’m completely hooked for real.”

Her flushed face and heartfelt words made me let out a small laugh.