CHAPTER 05
“Hey… I have something to say.”
We were all gathered around the table for dinner, and I felt that if I didn’t say it now, I might never find the courage.
Because I was so nervous, my throat felt like it was burning.
I took a sip of water from the glass on the table and let out a small breath.
“What is it?”
When I hesitated, my sister asked bluntly.
Her tone sounded like she was telling me to hurry up and say it.
“It’s called Red Cube. NTV is planning a survival program where former idols compete to debut again. I had a meeting today, and… I decided to participate because I thought it might be my last chance. I’m sorry for deciding on my own without discussing it first.”
Silence immediately fell over the dinner table.
The atmosphere suddenly grew heavy.
It became so quiet that it felt suffocating.
I couldn’t even hear breathing.
Because of that, I could clearly feel my heart pounding wildly.
It felt like my mom, dad, and sister would be able to hear it.
“I really want to try just one more time. If I fail again, I’ll find another path. I can promise that right here. This will truly be my last attempt. I know reality. Mom said I’m still young and can do anything, but that doesn’t apply to idols.”
Maybe because I was anxious, my words kept speeding up.
“Yoonseul.”
Dad interrupted me.
“Yeah, Dad.”
“…Will you be okay?”
The moment I heard his words, I finally understood the silence from earlier.
They weren’t angry that I had made the decision on my own.
They were worried about me.
“Yes. I’ll be okay. I still really want to be an idol. I want to stand on stage and be loved.”
To be honest, GANGSTER-M wasn’t hated from the beginning.
There had been a time.
For one month after our debut, before the leader Suhyeol’s school violence scandal surfaced.
Those thirty days had been happy.
Our songs were playing everywhere.
Whenever we stood on stage, we were met with passionate cheers.
Maybe it was those memories that were still holding onto me.
“If you’re that determined, then go ahead and try.”
After Dad gave his permission, Mom spoke next.
“Yes. Your father’s right. You’re an adult now. It’s not like you’re doing something bad, so how could we stop you?”
“If you’re going to do it, do it properly. No more talking, right? I’m hungry. Let’s eat.”
Just like that, the atmosphere returned to normal.
“But if you place in the top ranks, you debut again, right?”
Mom asked carefully as we continued eating.
“Yes.”
“When does it start?”
“In a month. So I need to start preparing a stage from now.”
“What stage are you going to do?”
My sister suddenly asked.
“I’m still thinking about it. I’ll watch some videos tonight and choose.”
“Take your time. You sing well anyway. Didn’t you even win first place in a children’s singing contest when you were little?”
She gestured toward the wall in the living room covered with certificates.
Whenever my sister or I brought home awards, our parents would hang them on the wall.
It was their way of praising us.
Over time, the wall became completely filled.
My sister’s awards were related to academics.
Mine were all related to singing.
Since I had loved singing since I was little, I had participated in children’s song contests and youth music competitions and won many prizes.
“You were just unlucky. So if it doesn’t work out this time, just think of it as bad luck and move on.”
It was a serious kind of comfort that didn’t sound like my sister at all.
“Being an idol isn’t just about skill. It’s not like this happened because your skills are bad.”
Her words were incredibly comforting and encouraging.
* * *
After dinner, I went into my room and carefully looked through the songs I used to practice.
I had to show my abilities with just one song, so choosing the right one was important.
“But there’s an even bigger problem.”
A practice room.
I needed a place to practice, but I didn’t have one.
Since I lived in an apartment, I couldn’t sing or dance at home.
“Without a practice room, this is inconvenient. Should I go to a karaoke place? Practicing at home clearly has limits.”
“Nothing really stands out.”
The songs I had practiced before were so famous that almost every trainee had probably sung them at least once.
Songs like that lacked impact and were easily compared to the original.
There was also a high chance other contestants would choose the same song.
“What song should I sing? Come to think of it… what song did I sing at my Starning audition?”
The first agency where I started my trainee life wasn’t LM.
It was a large company called Starning.
I had even made it into the debut lineup as the main vocal there.
But they said my image didn’t match the group concept and introduced me to LM instead.
Since Starning’s next boy group wouldn’t launch for several years, I thought that was the best choice at the time.
“I should’ve just endured it and moved to another agency.”
If I had done that, things wouldn’t have turned out like this.
Even if the group had disbanded because of lack of popularity, at least it would have been a peaceful ending.
Maybe I wouldn’t still have this lingering regret.
Maybe I would have believed I had tried enough and moved on.
“Usually contracts last seven years. Even if I debuted at nineteen, the contract would have ended around twenty-six.”
But thinking about it now wouldn’t change anything.
I quickly shook my head to clear away those thoughts.
Instead of regretting the past, I needed to focus on choosing a song.
For some reason, I had been given the unbelievable chance to return to the past.
Because of that, I had already changed the future once.
I didn’t have to continue as GANGSTER-M’s second generation.
And I even got the chance to appear on Red Cube, a survival program famous nationwide.
This wasn’t the time to dwell on the past.
It was time to change the future.
“I think this was the song I sang for my first audition.”
I searched my memory and played the song.
—You who resemble the shining sea
It was the OST of a sports movie.
The title was “Yoonseul”, the same as my name, so I had chosen it.
I loved this song.
Because the lyrics said that just like the sparkling waves reflecting sunlight or moonlight, you are shining too.
—Let’s cross the rolling waves
“Maybe I should go with this.”
It felt meaningful to sing this song on the program.
The title matched my name.
And it had been my first audition song.
“Then I just need to choose a dance.”
To be honest, the dance worried me even more than the singing.
“What’s my strength?”
I began thinking carefully to find my strength in dancing.
“Ah… right. There was that.”
“If I use that, it will stand out and show my skills properly.”
* * *
A month passed quickly.
Since I had no practice room, I practiced dancing in the apartment parking lot or sang at karaoke rooms.
Somehow, I managed to finish preparing my stage.
My mom even used a vacation day to drive me to the broadcasting station.
“Do well.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
After getting out of the car, I took a deep breath and headed toward the studio.
“Are you Seo Yoonseul? Please take your name tag first. Attach it to your chest.”
“Yes.”
As soon as I arrived, I received my name tag.
After pinning it onto my shirt, I followed the staff.
Behind the stage, there was a long row of chairs.
Since there were so many participants, it seemed they couldn’t prepare proper waiting rooms.
“Here. You can sit here.”
“Okay.”
My seat was at the very end.
“Of course I’m last.”
It felt like they had deliberately arranged it this way.
“Because of the live broadcast, a lot of attention is on me right now. They’ll probably only show me in the preview and cut me out of episode one. I’ll probably appear halfway through episode two.”
I had spent eight years as a trainee and six years as an idol.
More than ten years in this industry.
There was no way I didn’t know how variety shows worked.
“And I’ve been a victim of that so-called ‘evil editing’ more than once.”
Sometimes during comeback periods, we would appear on variety shows.
I never expected much.
I just thought I should react well and leave.
But once filming began, rude questions would start pouring in.
Even if I didn’t answer them, they would edit in clips of me smiling awkwardly or hesitating and place them right after the question.
That was how they created the narrative.
To avoid being a victim of evil editing, I even studied variety shows.
And I made sure not to show even the slightest opening.
That way, the broadcast only showed me reacting normally.
“Because of that I never became an issue… but being an issue for the wrong reason would have been worse.”
“Hello.”
A man wearing black leather pants and a black shirt greeted me as he sat down beside me.
“Oh, hello.”
I greeted him lightly.
Until now I had been so nervous that I hadn’t noticed the others around me.
But looking at the person next to me made me realize how ordinary I looked.
“Everyone came fully styled—clothes, hair, even makeup.”
Thinking about it, most of the people here probably still belonged to agencies.
Unlike them, I was wearing a plain white T-shirt and jeans.
My hair was simply neat.
And the only makeup I had on was sunscreen.
“No. It’s fine. As long as I do well on stage. As long as I do well…”
Of course, visuals were important for idols.
But skill mattered most.
I repeated that to myself, trying to calm my anxiety.
“Alright, since everyone is seated, I’ll briefly explain. You’ll go on stage in the order you’re sitting. So when someone leaves, the people behind should move forward. After performing, you’ll move to the chairs behind the stage.”
“Yes.”
“Filming will start in ten minutes!”
And finally—
The filming of Red Cube officially began.
