Chapter 9
129, 128, 127…
Just like the second hand of a clock ticking mercilessly, the countdown of the brand engraved on the back of my neck continued to dwindle without pity.
It was then that he asked about the brand.
—
“I heard a prophecy was given.”
—
At the end of the day, as he inevitably held me in his arms, he asked.
I wondered what this time meant to him.
And what it meant to me.
Even if it meant nothing at all, I prayed that my distant relationship with him might last forever.
The very thought that even this was too much to ask made the reality unbearably cruel.
—
“Yes.”
—
As my brief reply fell, he stared at me quietly from the shadows.
His firm, bronze-toned shoulders glowed in the moonlight peeking through the clouds.
A heavy silence descended between us. Leaning into the cold moonlight, he simply continued to look at me.
—
“So.”
—
Who knows how much time had passed.
—
“Have you nothing else to say?”
—
Finally breaking the silence, he spoke, and I barely moved my lips.
The truth about the brand was simple to explain.
‘It’s a prophecy of my death. My god has forsaken me.’
And yet, speaking that truth felt unbearably difficult.
—
“Well…”
—
Just as I mustered the courage to answer, I saw his eyes.
Even in this darkness, his gaze remained unwavering, fixed solely on me.
That gaze, cold as ice, forced me to face reality.
I was afraid—terrified, even.
Terrified of what I might hear from him once he knew the truth.
Just as my mother’s end had been worth no more than a single coin, and just as I had failed to mourn her properly, my own end would likely be no different.
—
“Yes, it’s true.”
—
Ah, Largo.
I only ever wanted to deny my reality.
No matter how hard I struggled, no matter how desperately I wished it were all a dream…
All that awaited me was a harsh, undeniable truth.
A cruel future, in which I had none.
—
“Why…”
—
Your lips twisted with frustration.
—
“Why is it that I only hear your story after all this time?”
—
Were you angry again?
Your gaze, quieter than usual, was more chilling than any outburst.
At another time, I might have simply bowed my head.
But something unexplainable stirred within me.
What did it matter anymore?
All that remained for me was death.
—
“Is there a reason why Your Highness must be the first to know?”
—
“What do you take me for?”
—
His voice was cold as he asked.
To me, it sounded like a judgment—like the final breath of autumn, signaling the harsh winter to come.
—
“I think of you as the ruler of this duchy. My master. My one and only husband.”
—
“Husband…”
—
He repeated my words quietly, as if savoring them.
—
“Do you truly think of me as your husband?”
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“And you, Your Highness… Have you ever once considered me your wife?”
—
“…Hah.”
—
To my desperate retort, he only responded with a dry, incredulous laugh.
Then he stood, as cold as ever, showing me his usual icy back.
One step outside the bed. Thump. The floor seemed to echo under the weight of that step.
And with a voice like something spat out in disgust, he added—
—
“I’ve never met anyone as cold-hearted as you.”
—
He walked away, and the chill that followed his departure brushed past my ears like the coldest wind.
Creak. The sound of the door opening and closing echoed bitterly.
The faint light from the hallway faded away like dust.
—
You never once looked back.
—
In the empty bedroom, in the midst of darkness, I felt truly abandoned.
—
What am I acting so surprised for?
—
A strange emotion consumed me as I muttered blankly.
I’d always been alone. There was no reason to speak of “togetherness” now.
Even so, I stared at the wind you left behind and parted my lips.
I reached out to touch it—but my hand only grasped empty air.
There were so many things I wanted to say, but not a single word formed.
I didn’t know what I should say.
Only this—
Time passed, and I remained alone, unable to accept reality as it was.
126, 125, and then 124 days left.
—
“In this place is endless love and mercy. May the Lord bestow grace upon His faithful servant.”
—
As always, I sat before the piano, softly reciting the prayer.
Then, I slowly looked up.
The compassionate face of the divine statue looked down at me.
Perhaps it was my imagination, but the pristine marble seemed to beckon to me.
Its slightly parted lips looked as though they moved.
As if to say: Come. Come into my embrace, overflowing with grace.
If I did, then maybe I could forget all physical pain, all mental suffering—all agony and sorrow—and find eternal peace.
It felt like it whispered so.
—
“O Lord…”
—
My faint voice echoed in the empty sanctuary.
Time passed, but I remained motionless. There was no thunderous epiphany.
My tangled thoughts wouldn’t let me remain myself.
Yet just as life holds no meaning, neither does death.
Just as no one seeks meaning in their birth and only announces it through a cry, so too should we not seek meaning in death.
This thought brought a strange sense of quiet clarity to my heart.
They say that when animals sense death, they seek a hidden place to die in solitude, and that humans begin to put their affairs in order.
So did I.
There wasn’t much for me to organize—my life had been that simple.
But one thing, one thing alone, caught in my heart.
The painfully tangled thread between you and me.
Only your face, indelible and distant, filled my vision.
Standing at the edge of the world, what was I supposed to do with you?
What should I say at the end of my life?
And when you hear of my end, what would you whisper to me?
Why do I think of your words—agonize over them, fear them?
I didn’t even know the reason for these questions, and yet… I could only imagine your answer.
But no matter how many times I thought about it…
I could never picture a single word from you.
You, the one I could neither define nor express.
What did I really think of you?
What did you truly think of me?
As you asked—did we ever truly see each other as husband and wife?
These unanswered questions between us always left me confused.
—
…
—
Suddenly, the brand on my neck stung—hot, as if seared by fire.
I stared up at the statue, thinking the divine might be speaking to me.
I had no questions, no words prepared.
But my sorrow spilled out anyway.
—
“Why… must it be me?”
—
I had never once doubted my faith.
And yet only bitter resentment flowed from my lips.
Once released, the words kept pouring out—things I never intended to say.
—
“You who hear, and you who recite… You walk the twilight of life, waiting for the day you return to His arms… Wouldn’t they be the ones to wonder more? About the day their lives will end?”
—
Selfish words tumbled out, disturbing the silence of the temple.
Wouldn’t those elderly people—if they knew their final day—be able to spend even more radiant days than I?
My vision blurred.
—
“You sifted through generations to choose me… Why, so soon…”
Why are You trying to take me already?
—
Words too heavy to say crumbled on my tongue.
The divine only looked back at me with that same unchanged, merciful face.
No answers came.
Only a tear fell, dripping down my cheek.
That night, as always, he came to me.
And I told him—
—
“I want to return to the kingdom.”
—
Perhaps my best choice was not to die at your side.
That way, I might avoid all the things I fear and dread.
His face contorted into a deep scowl as he stared at me.
—
“…Say that again.”
—
“Please send me back to my homeland. I want to live as the Western Princess of the kingdom, not as the duchess.”
—
His expression remained twisted for a long time.
The lamplight flickered faintly. Veins bulged from his tightly clenched fist.
—
“Now…”
—
His voice was low, spat out through clenched teeth.
I looked up at him and blinked slowly.
—
“Are you saying… you want to leave me?”
—
I nodded.
His scoffing laugh turned sharp, slicing through the air.
His next words came out like a growl—
—
“You want a divorce?”
