Chapter 33. It Meant I Wanted to Touch You
Nathan’s eyes narrowed as he glanced at Ian between the piles of documents.
‘Why is he acting like that today?’
Unlike usual, Ian was sitting at his desk with nothing in his hands—not even a pen. All he was doing was slowly clenching and unclenching his fist.
“Your Highness?”
“……”
Ian blinked slowly, his fingers still clenched.
“Is something wrong again?”
A faint crack appeared on Ian’s otherwise unreadable expression. He lightly ruffled his bangs, as if confused, and closed his eyes tightly.
“It’s not exactly a problem… I just think something’s wrong with me.”
Nathan, who had been unconsciously admiring Ian’s sculpted face, snapped back to his senses. He sprang from his seat and rushed over to Ian’s desk.
“What’s wrong exactly?”
Ian parted his lips but hesitated, exhaling lightly.
‘Where do I even begin?’
He’d been angry watching Rosellia insist she was fine. Then their eyes met…
He couldn’t remember clearly after that.
All he remembered was the sight of her transparent, gem-like eyes—and then, next thing he knew, his hand had moved on its own.
‘At that moment…’
It felt like he had been possessed. When he saw the look in her eyes asking what he was doing, it felt like a bucket of cold water had been dumped over him.
That was why he had fled the training grounds. His behavior had startled even himself.
“Or maybe… something’s wrong with my hand.”
“Does this have to do with Lady Rosellia Winters?”
Ian finally met Nathan’s gaze properly and gave a slight nod. Then, he briefly explained what had happened at the training grounds.
“That’s not strange—it’s perfectly natural.”
“Natural?”
“Your Highness, love is… an emotion that makes us do things we can’t explain. It makes you feel like you’re not yourself. You act oddly, say strange things… It’s just what love does.”
“Even… wanting to touch them?”
Nathan, who had been explaining confidently, let out a short, awkward cough.
“Pardon?”
“I mean… I wanted to touch her. That’s what that meant. Is that part of what you call love?”
“Well, yes… I mean, your feelings are a bit more intense than I imagined, but they’re still perfectly valid. That’s the essence of love—an instinctive pull.”
“……”
Ian’s eyes wavered slightly. Nathan, watching from right in front of him, held back a grin and added,
“But still, Your Highness, you mustn’t touch a lady without her consent.”
“You think I don’t know that?”
“Well, Your Highness, you’ve never shown much interest in women before. I’ve never once seen you glance at someone with curiosity.”
Ian was unfamiliar even with himself. One question still lingered in his mind:
‘Was I even someone capable of loving?’
His mother had given birth before the Empress. That made Ian the first prince—but the Empress’s faction constantly tried to suppress him. From a young age, Ian had learned to suppress his own emotions to survive.
He tried not to react too much to anything and never chased after anything he really wanted.
Or rather, he pretended not to want anything. That was the only way to keep it from being taken from him.
Acting like something wasn’t his—that was the only way to protect what was.
Perhaps because of that, he had become someone emotionally flat. He gradually lost touch with strong feelings and rarely felt anything deeply for people or events.
Like a rusted blade, he had grown dull. And he thought he had gotten used to living that way.
Joining the White Knights had been a kind of brief rebellion.
Everyone has a day like that—when you want to stray from the usual, familiar path.
So he joined the White Knights and, by chance, faced off with Rosellia during the pre-festival sparring.
At first, he just wanted to spar with her again.
Somehow, that turned into love.
But how did it happen? He still didn’t know the exact answer. There wasn’t a specific turning point…
‘So this isn’t admiration—it’s love.’
Ian’s throat moved with a heavy gulp. Just thinking of her made his mouth feel parched.
“So what will you do now?”
“……”
Nathan, watching Ian struggle to answer, spoke again.
“What I mean is… what kind of relationship do you want to have with Lady Rosellia?”
*
“Miss, are you hurt?”
“Oh, this? It’s just a little…”
Before I could even finish, Anne unwrapped the linen around my wrist. She examined the swelling with a worried look.
“That must hurt a lot.”
“It’s not too bad.”
Anne’s eyebrows drooped sadly. My answer seemed to upset her even more.
Well, she always overreacted whenever I came back with minor injuries.
“Just wait here. I’ll go get a compress.”
Her hurried footsteps faded away, and the door shut. I leaned back, half-reclining on the sofa.
‘What I did was only a light restraint. Please be sure to get treatment.’
“If it weren’t for Ian, it would’ve swollen worse.”
It’s surprising how many people genuinely worry about Rosellia. Including Ian… which is unexpected.
In the dream I saw, Ian and Rosellia didn’t seem particularly close. But now, it feels like they’re forming a bond.
“I’ll keep things this way for now. My next focus should be the subjugation mission.”
Subjugation…
Aura, monsters, Ian, Linate, and Edwin…
My chain of thoughts paused there.
My wandering gaze landed on one spot in the room. I got up and walked to a tall cabinet. Opening the top drawer, I saw several small silver jars.
“So Dylan Riley was the one who gave me this ointment.”
Dylan Riley was Olivia’s older brother and someone she relied on. He had also shown Rosellia the most kindness among the Riley family.
As a child, when Rosellia returned secretly after sword training, she once ran into Dylan. He realized what she’d been doing but never told anyone.
He even secretly gave her ointments and medicine for her wounds. When she joined the White Knights, he was the first to congratulate her.
Even now, I’d heard he occasionally passed medicines to Anne when he visited the marquisate. That made him the perfect person to ask for help with Edwin.
I sat at the desk and quickly penned a letter to Dylan Riley.
Just as I was finishing, Anne came in. When she saw me sitting at the desk instead of resting on the sofa, she sighed and rubbed her forehead.
“Anne, let me explai—”
“Miss! What are you doing now? Your wrist is already swollen—if you keep using it, it might puff up even worse tomorrow!”
She was clutching a cold pouch of ice and looked furious.
“I had to. I needed to send a letter.”
“A letter?”
I nodded and handed it to her. Her eyes widened a little when she read the name on the envelope.
“Give this to someone you trust. Make sure it’s delivered directly.”
“Yes, Miss.”
*
It was an oddly sleepless night. Maybe sleeping at the knights’ quarters for one night had made this soft bed feel unfamiliar. I tried hard to fall asleep.
I must’ve been tossing and turning and eventually closed my eyes…
‘Mother, I told you it wasn’t serious. I was just sparring with Schultz—’
‘Aaron said you were covered in bruises, and you say it’s not serious?’
The first people I saw were Caden and Olivia. Then, blinking slowly, I saw Rosellia, Hermann, and the marquisate’s servants.
It looked like the main hall.
‘Go bring Schultz here.’
Hermann gestured toward Aaron, Caden’s attendant.
‘I was going to call him to ask about what happened anyway.’
At Olivia’s signal, Schultz entered. He looked a bit thinner than the last time I’d seen him in Rosellia’s memories.
‘Schultz, explain. What kind of training left Caden’s body covered in bruises?’
‘It’s because… I used training as an excuse to injure Young Master Caden.’
‘What?’
Behind a frowning Hermann, Olivia reeled like she’d received a shock. Leaning on Margaret, she spoke in a trembling voice.
‘Why would you do that…?’
‘Because Lady Rosellia ordered me to. She said Caden would soon seek me out, and I should secretly hurt him in unnoticeable places…’
Some of the servants stole glances at Rosellia. But she simply stared at Schultz in silence.
‘Schultz, what are you talking about? You were the one who stopped me! You know better than anyone that I got hurt from pushing too hard! Why are you blaming my sister?’
Caden protested, and Olivia crept toward him. Before anyone realized, she had thrown her arms around him.
‘My poor boy. You were fooled so easily, Caden.’
‘No, Mother! Schultz is lying!’
The chaos didn’t settle. Hermann finally turned to Rosellia.
‘Is this true, Rosellia?’
‘……’
Schultz looked like he was about to bury his head in the floor in shame. Rosellia, who had been staring at him, slowly turned her gaze to Hermann.
‘Well? Is it true?’
‘What answer do you want to hear?’
Her face was calm, as if she had long expected this situation. Or perhaps she had already given up all hope.
‘What?’
‘Schultz and Caden are saying opposite things. You’re asking me what’s true, but which one are you inclined to believe? You seem to have already made up your mind—so think whatever you want.’
She turned and left, and Caden quickly chased after her.
‘Sister!’
His voice made me jolt awake.
I saw the familiar ceiling and let out a ragged breath. Even though I knew it was a dream, I had been so tense that my palms were soaked in sweat.
What… kind of situation was that?
I—no, Rosellia—was accused of ordering Caden to be beaten?
“That’s such an outrageous lie…”
It was clear Olivia had turned Schultz against Rosellia, but why Schultz, of all people?
From what I’d seen in her memories, he wasn’t the type.
Maybe he had a reason—he couldn’t even meet her eyes properly…
“And how could a father act like that? When the two sides say opposite things, to interrogate your daughter like that—anyone would feel…”
I was so immersed in the memory that my cheeks were burning. Rubbing my aching forehead, I sat up in bed.
“Who’s showing me this? Why am I having these dreams?”
The question escaped my lips before I could stop it. It wasn’t really directed at anyone—just a muttered thought.
But then, from the air, a vaguely familiar voice answered.
“Because someone hopes you’ll make a different choice than the Rosellia of the past.”
