BOAD 31

31. Am I Nervous?
The lodging was small but cozy and well-insulated against the cold wind.

The sleeping arrangements were also relatively tidy, so it wasn’t particularly uncomfortable, but…

“There’s only one room, so apparently we have no choice but to share it.”

“Well… it can’t be helped.”

The room was small—only big enough for two or three people at most.

The knights and Betty had graciously given up the space so that Leofric and I could sleep inside.

Truly, so very gracious of them.

Looking down at the neatly spread bedding, I let out a deep sigh inwardly.

I had hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but there was only one blanket just big enough for two people to lie side by side.

How utterly heartwarming of them.

I barely managed to suppress the sigh trying to escape and forced a smile to my lips.

“Shall we sleep, then? We’ll need to be up early again tomorrow.”

“Yes, let’s do that. It’s important to conserve our strength.”

Still, regardless of how awkwardly grateful I felt, I had to keep my priorities straight.

I stepped past Leofric and walked to the bedding, settling myself down first.

Leofric slowly came over and lay down on the other side.

The distance between us was such that even the slightest movement might cause us to touch.

The bed in Waynes’ house hadn’t exactly been large either.

But now it felt way larger than this blanket. Was it just my imagination?

I’d have to stay curled on my side all night to avoid brushing against him.

Sure, yesterday I had fallen asleep without realizing it. But could I manage that again tonight?

Lying with my back to him, I ran endless thoughts through my head.

How could I fall asleep faster? Was Leofric asleep yet?

Would I really be able to rest well enough to recover for tomorrow?

Normally, I wouldn’t waste time on such thoughts. But with Leofric lying right next to me, I couldn’t help myself.

Was I… nervous?

Or was I thinking he might try something?

But I’d never felt nervous around Leofric before.

Sure, he was a man—bigger and stronger than me—so I’d occasionally felt a sense of intimidation.

In my previous life, the only tension I’d felt was political—worrying whether he’d follow plans, or if he’d notice when I tried to poison him.

…No, let’s stop that train of thought.

Why was I even nervous right now?

I squeezed my eyes shut.

I didn’t need a reason.

All I had to remember was that I was someone who felt guilt toward him, and he was someone who—strangely—kept showing me kindness.

I stopped thinking so I could fall asleep.

No use wasting energy on something I couldn’t fix.

Especially since I didn’t know what he was thinking.

Just as my thoughts were slowly quieting down—

“Amelia. Are you asleep?”

Leofric’s voice broke the silence.

He spoke in a low, cautious tone, as if not wanting to wake me in case I was asleep.

I hesitated, debating whether to pretend, but eventually opened my eyes quietly.

“No. Not yet.”

I didn’t know what he wanted to say, but it seemed better to respond than to fake sleep.

And maybe… I wanted to answer him.

So I replied softly.

I didn’t turn my body or my head to face him.

But upon hearing my voice, he suddenly shifted position.

The sound of the blanket rustling seemed unusually loud in the quiet.

He began speaking behind me.

“I thought this might be uncomfortable for you.”

His voice, gentle and low, brushed against the back of my neck.

A slight shiver ran up my arm, and I clenched and unclenched my fist.

“It’s okay. It’s not that cramped…”

“If it bothers you, I can sleep elsewhere.”

“Didn’t you decide to lie here because it would be more dangerous for me to sleep alone? What would I do if you left?”

Was he uncomfortable sleeping next to me?

For a moment, I wondered if I should turn and look at him to see what he really meant.

But we were far too close for that.

Instead, I clenched my fists and repeated that I was fine.

That he didn’t need to worry. He could just go to sleep.

“It’s because I’m the one feeling bothered.”

His reply sounded like a quiet sigh.

Was something wrong?

I gave up on trying to avoid looking and slowly turned my body to face him.

It seemed better to talk face-to-face.

But as expected, our faces were too close.

Because of our height difference, the first thing I saw was his chest.

I’d have to tilt my head to see his face.

…I should’ve just stayed still.

Unable to speak or lift my head, I let out a tiny sigh.

And then, without warning, his arm came around me.

“Excuse me.”

His arm slipped under my neck—strong and firm—embracing me.

As if to say he’d sleep like this all night.

I froze in place, eyes blinking, unable to move.

“I thought this would be more comfortable than awkwardly trying to keep our distance. Is that alright?”

His soft voice reminded me of the morning after our wedding.

When he’d cut his arm to fool others, then held me as I slept.

Back then, I’d passed out and remembered nothing come morning…

But now, I could see everything clearly.

Would I really be fine?

Staring at his rising and falling chest, I bit my lip.

He wasn’t wrong.

It’d be more relaxing to sleep like this than to keep fidgeting and worrying all night on a cramped blanket.

Still, still…

“I won’t do anything, Amelia.”

As if reading my thoughts, Leofric whispered.

Just like this—holding me gently, with no further movement.

He reassured me with a calm voice.

Telling me not to worry. That he wouldn’t hurt me.

Listening to him, I found his words slightly amusing.

No matter what we felt inside, we were married.

Even if we’d signed an agreement to divorce not long from now.

Even if he wanted to hug me all night or even hold me tightly—it’s not like I’d hate him for it.

I placed my hand on his waist and spoke.

“Don’t worry, Your Highness. We’re married—there’s nothing strange about sleeping like this.”

There was nothing about our posture that anyone would find unusual.

And it felt silly to be nervous.

After all, we had to look like a couple wherever we went.

I patted his waist and closed my eyes.

“It’s fine. Just sleep. I don’t mind.”

“…Are you really okay?”

“Yes. We slept like this on our wedding night, didn’t we? It’s fine.”

So go to sleep, Your Highness.

I added quietly and gave his waist another gentle pat or two.

It wasn’t a big deal.

There would be more nights like this, hiding from others, sharing a room.

I couldn’t afford to get nervous every time.

If I had to get used to it, better sooner than later.

I inhaled slowly.

The warmth of his body still felt unfamiliar, but I needed to sleep.

Just as I was about to fall asleep—

“Amelia? Are you asleep?”

The same cautious voice as before.

This time, I didn’t answer.

Assuming I was asleep, he sighed deeply.

“I was hoping you’d care, at least a little.”

If only I hadn’t heard that quiet truth mixed into his breath.

Maybe I could have fallen asleep.

But the soft words echoing in my ear froze me in place.

He wanted me to care—did that mean he wanted me to be a little nervous? Aware of him?

Or was it just another extension of what he said—wanting to be a real couple, like the Emperor and Empress?

I tried to suppress my sigh, but then—

Leofric tightened his arm around me.

Just a little, but definitely intentional.

I nearly gasped and had to bite my lip to stop the sound.

But since I was pretending to sleep, I couldn’t move.

I couldn’t even ask him to let go…

I clenched my eyes shut, unmoving.

And above me, his quiet voice murmured again.

“I told myself not to be greedy, but… when you keep staying by my side like this, I can’t help it.”

He spoke like he was muttering to himself, yet every word reached me clearly.

What was he greedy for?

What was he trying not to want?

I held my breath, feeling the rise and fall of his chest just in front of me.

“Stop making me want more.”

“…”

“Because if you do… I might actually do something.”

His voice was fading, as if he was drifting off to sleep.

The words he mumbled were hard to catch—but the meaning was there.

Was he really going to fall asleep holding me like this?

After lightly stroking my hair, his every movement stilled.

I remained frozen—unable to escape, unable to push him away.

Eyes still shut, I forced away the thoughts circling in my mind.

The thought that maybe—just maybe—he had wanted to win me over from the very beginning…

Even in the life before I returned.

Even now.