Chapter 1 – Prologue
The pain had spread to my back, making it impossible to sleep.
And yet, I don’t know what lingering attachment led me to face the morning.
It feels like I’m on the verge of losing consciousness.
All I can do now is wish for this agony to end.
As I lit a cigarette, the door burst open with a loud crash.
“Hyung!”
My younger brother, Theo, rushed in, out of breath.
Judging from his gasping, he must’ve been terribly shocked.
I feel grateful… and sorry.
I can’t bear to meet the eyes of my beloved brother.
“You’re here.”
“What happened?! Huh? What the hell did you do?!”
I can’t answer.
I can’t bring myself to tell the one who would’ve done anything for me…
that I pulled the trigger on myself.
I just gave a bitter smile, and he snatched the cigarette from me.
“You think now’s the time to be smoking?! Why! Why did you do it?!”
From the way he’s talking, it seems he already heard everything from my doctor.
That would explain how he got here from Paris so quickly.
“Why can’t I ever do anything right…”
Even dying properly, it seems.
At those bitter words, he reached out his hand.
“Why are you doing this?! It hurts too much!”
Theo’s hand, gripping my clothes, was trembling violently.
Looking at him now, I see the lines on his face.
His complexion is pale.
He doesn’t look healthy at all.
It must all be because of his worthless brother.
Just like in the old days—those carefree days—I reached out to pat his head.
But he lifted his gaze to meet mine.
“You said everything would work out. People are starting to recognize your talent, just like Monsieur Roulin said! So why—why did you do this?!”
Tears welled in Theo’s eyes as he cried out in anguish.
Maybe he’s right.
Maybe things really were starting to get better.
My paintings Iris and Starry Night Over the Rhône, exhibited at last year’s Salon des Indépendants, were fairly well-received.
“Maybe you’re right.”
“Exactly! So why? Why did you do something like this?!”
Would telling him change anything?
Could he ever understand the me who can no longer pick up a brush?
The me who doesn’t want to become a burden to him?
Yes, even if the entire world can’t understand me…
you always accepted me. You cherished me. You embraced me.
But you have a son. And a wife.
For their sake—and your health—I must not become your burden.
“The other day, the wheat field was beautiful…
It looked like gold was melting in the sunlight.”
The ripening wheat field shimmered, swaying in the breeze.
Tonight, too, the moon and stars will shine over that golden sea.
The moon and stars. Lantern light. The wheat field.
Sunflowers. Sunflowers. Sunflowers.
It seems I won’t be able to see the morning sun.
“Hyung! Hyung!”
Through my fading vision, I could hear Theo’s desperate voice.
Cracked and tearful.
Don’t cry…
I can’t speak.
“No—no! You can’t do this! Please, get up! Please!”
Dear Theo. My beloved brother.
Please bury your sorrow deep in your heart.
“Hyung! Hyung!”
Forgive this pathetic brother who could only choose this path.
I love you.
