Chapter 5
I muttered absentmindedly—and in that moment, I felt sleep vanish completely.
‘Is something wrong?!’
“As?!”
I hurriedly rushed into As’s room.
It was truly a blessing that I had given him a room on the same floor as mine.
“Hh… Ugh… D-Don’t… go…”
As was drenched in cold sweat, groaning like he was having a nightmare.
He looked absolutely tormented.
“As! Wake up, As!”
“Ugh… Ugh…?”
He showed no sign of waking from just my voice.
When I shook him roughly, his brows furrowed, and he slowly opened his eyes.
“…Einra?”
His crimson eyes, clouded with sleep, slowly came into view.
For a brief moment, I saw Aches in those red eyes, and instinctively flinched.
And in that very moment, As’s red eyes became sharply focused.
“D-Don’t come near me!”
“As…?”
“Don’t look at me!”
As quickly crossed his arms over his face like he was having a seizure, trying to hide himself.
The parts of his face and ears that weren’t covered were beet red and dripping with cold sweat.
“I-I… I look disgusting right now…”
He rambled incoherently.
His speech was slurred and broken—I couldn’t even make out exactly what he was saying.
Worried he might seriously be unwell, I instinctively reached out to him.
“But, As—”
“Go…! Please go away! Don’t come near me!”
As cried out, trembling, as if he were about to burst into tears.
I couldn’t bring myself to move, but staying there wouldn’t help him—if anything, it seemed to only make things worse.
So I slowly stepped back.
“…Alright, As, I’ll go now, okay?”
“……”
“Remember to breathe, okay?”
“……”
He didn’t respond.
I swallowed back a sigh and quietly closed the door.
Click. The door closed.
Even after the door had shut, Aches—still gasping for breath with his face buried in his arms—slowly lowered them.
His cheeks were soaked with tears, and he roughly wiped them away with his sleeve.
“……”
He thought it had been a long time since he last cried. But apparently, this child’s body couldn’t contain emotions physically.
After steadying his breathing, Aches stared at his damp sleeve for a while, then shifted his gaze toward the door Einra had exited through.
…It probably won’t open again.
He had yelled so clearly—told her to leave, not to come back.
It would be stranger if it did open again.
“…Ha.”
He let out a bitter sigh, almost like a groan.
Suddenly, the emotions he’d been suppressing for the past five years surged up.
A strange sorrow, and a sharp pain in his chest.
It was the kind of feeling he only ever had when he thought of Einra.
Grinding his teeth hard enough to make a sound, he clutched his chest.
“As, are you okay…?”
The moment he heard that voice—he lost all strength in his hands.
Aches unconsciously held his breath.
Just that one sentence from the other side of the door instantly calmed his spiraling emotions.
“I know I said I’d leave… sorry. I just got worried. I’ll stay out here a little longer, okay?”
“……”
“If something’s wrong or you’re feeling sick, you have to call me right away, alright?”
Those warm, gentle words made Aches bite his lower lip tightly.
He replayed her voice over and over in his mind, and slowly lay down on his side.
His soft black hair spread like ink across the white sheets tinged with the blue of night.
“…When you say things like that, it makes me feel like it’s okay for me to act selfish.”
Aches muttered, lowering his gaze with a bitter smirk.
“How pathetic. What am I even doing…”
Why was he still here?
The sarcastic smile lingering on his lips slowly faded.
Why.
Was it because he hoped Einra would leave behind even the slightest opening for him? Because he wanted to find even the tiniest possibility?
And if he couldn’t find it—if he learned for certain that there was no hope at all…
Then what?
—Would you force Einra, even then?
“…Shut up.”
He spat the words like venom through clenched teeth.
“I’m not doing anything.”
He repeated it like a mantra, trying to convince himself.
No expectations. No pressure. No plans.
Nothing at all.
“Disgusting thing. Even I—your mother—shudder just looking at you. Do you think anyone would ever love something like you?”
“You monster, get out of my sight! You’re not my son. There’s no way something like you could be my child! Aaaaagh—!”
He had dismissed those voices from his past as meaningless, worthless noise.
Not even the parents who gave birth to him had loved him.
Of course, there were always people drawn by his family’s wealth or his outward appearance—but that wasn’t affection for him, so it didn’t count.
To Aches, that was simply a given—a fundamental truth.
He had always accepted it coolly, as an objective fact.
Sure, he had used that to manipulate situations or people from time to time, but he had never attached any emotional meaning to it.
But if Einra turned out to be the same…
For some reason, just thinking that made his chest ache.
“……”
Whenever it involved Einra, he couldn’t control himself.
Aches curled into himself, clenching his fists tightly.
This was a chance that had suddenly come to him.
A chance to be close to Einra—possibly the last one.
He could always leave later.
But he didn’t want to miss this one and only opportunity.
So—
“…I’m not going to do anything.”
He would just stay by her side.
Have calm conversations with her. Drink tea with her at a leisurely pace.
Flow with the rhythms of her everyday life, as long as this moment would allow.
That quiet murmur, like a vow to himself, faded into the air.
And slowly, Aches closed his eyes.
Until his thoughts cooled down a little, he stayed like that.
