Chapter : 44
“I don’t know anything, and it’s frustrating—infuriating, even. I don’t know why you changed, or whether you’re really doing fine over at the Duke of Herarilla’s estate.”
Lawrence let out another deep sigh.
“You came to me saying you were struggling… you came to me in tears.”
At his words, the memory of that night I spent at the Gerhardt ducal residence resurfaced.
It sounded like he was referring to the moment I’d sobbed while asking him to lend me money.
“The Duke was angry and came looking for you. And then you suddenly say everything’s been resolved, that I shouldn’t worry.”
“Ah…”
“And that’s it? It just ends like that, without any explanation?”
At Lawrence’s question, I shook my head.
“…No.”
Only then did it hit me.
He’d still been worrying about me all this time.
Lawrence Gerhardt had been far more concerned about me than I’d ever imagined.
If you marry me, you won’t have to clash with the Duke anymore.
Only now did I begin to understand the weight behind the words the young duke had once said to me.
There was no excuse—it was my fault.
“I figured it was a personal family matter and that you didn’t want to tell me. So I decided to keep you close and watch over you. To see whether you were really okay, like you said.”
Keep you close and watch over you.
Lawrence had been worried that I might need help.
“Haa… but then things didn’t go the way I expected. Situations slipped out of my control, and before I knew it, I was getting irritated.”
His brow twisted tightly, as if he were suffocating.
The darker his expression became, the heavier my guilt grew.
I had thought Lawrence helped me only because he couldn’t refuse.
That he was assisting me simply because I’d asked.
I never imagined he was genuinely worried about me.
I thought that once I said I was fine—once things had improved—his concern for me would naturally come to an end.
“I’m sorry. I thought you would feel burdened by me, Young Duke. So I believed the right thing was to avoid worrying you as much as possible—to make sure you didn’t have to concern yourself with me.”
So that was why he’d offered to lend me the training grounds—to keep me close and see for himself whether I was truly all right.
“I was short-sighted. I never imagined you’d keep worrying about me like this.”
And yet, I’d gotten angry at someone like that.
“…I’ll explain everything.”
Just then, a trumpet sounded, and the orchestra changed its tune.
“So what happened was—”
“It seems His Majesty the Emperor has arrived.”
“I—”
“Let’s go out first.”
Lawrence let out a small sigh, drew back the curtain, and looked at me as though urging me to come along.
“Come here, Patricia.”
He tilted his head slightly at my hesitation.
I worried whether Lawrence would still listen to me later if not now, but at the moment, we had no choice but to go out.
Lawrence took back the outer garment he had draped over me earlier.
Without his coat shielding me from the cold night air, my chest felt strangely tight.
Once more, Lawrence offered me his arm.
I glanced up at him, then placed my hand on his arm.
“…”
Come to think of it, Lawrence stepping in for me was no different from Carlos.
Even though helping me could have brought him harm, Lawrence had stepped forward willingly.
“…”
I’d opened my heart to Carlos, who had rushed to me out of concern.
So why was it—
Why couldn’t I do the same with Lawrence Gerhardt?
Of course, if someone asked whether I disliked Lawrence Gerhardt, that was absolutely not the case.
But I felt like I shouldn’t grow too close to him.
If I became entangled with him, given Patricia’s predetermined fate, it felt dangerous—so I drew a line.
Without ever considering how that might look to Lawrence.
“Haa…”
I knew it logically.
I wasn’t Patricia, and I had neither the intention nor the plan to interfere with Lawrence and the female lead. There was no reason for me to die.
I knew all that.
And yet, I was still a little afraid.
Besides, Lawrence knew the original Patricia far better than Carlos did.
I was scared he might realize I wasn’t the real Patricia.
For all those reasons, I believed I needed to distance myself from Lawrence.
I tried to.
Perhaps this was the perfect chance to naturally sever ties with him.
“……”
It should have been the perfect chance.
But now that I was facing it, I didn’t like it at all.
Even if I had to grow distant from Lawrence Gerhardt someday, I didn’t want it to happen like this—not now.
“Patricia.”
At his call, I lifted my head. The Emperor was already seated upon the throne, and the music had changed once more.
Soon, many young ladies and gentlemen moved toward the center of the ballroom.
“It looks like we should dance a song.”
Lawrence spoke as he glanced around.
“What do you want to do?”
“…All right.”
If I wanted to step back out onto the terrace with him, we’d probably have to dance at least once.
Too many eyes were on Lawrence and me.
When I nodded, Lawrence took my hand and led me into the hall.
At the elegant melody, others began to move in rhythm.
“Patricia, you need to lift your head.”
Lawrence leaned closer and whispered.
As he gently tightened the hand at my waist and drew me in, I raised my head and found his face right before me.
I’d been standing there blankly until Lawrence tilted his head slightly—only then did I hurriedly start stepping.
After fumbling awkwardly for a while, I stepped on his foot.
“Ah—I’m sorry.”
“Haa. I want to hear your explanation about everything that’s happened, too.”
Lawrence let out a small sigh.
“So for now, focus on the dance.”
“…Yes.”
Unfortunately, not long after answering, I stepped on his foot again.
My head had been a mess of thoughts for a while now.
And stepping on Lawrence’s feet over and over again made my body stiff with tension.
The stiffer I became, the more mistakes I made.
Lawrence looked irritated by my repeated missteps, yet he deliberately smiled even brighter.
“Smile, Patricia.”
It was quite the terrifying command.
I awkwardly pulled up the corners of my mouth.
But it seemed that wasn’t enough—Lawrence urged me on with a quiet gaze.
“Ha ha.”
Before I could think, my mouth stretched to its absolute limit.
My eyes narrowed halfway to match, and only then did Lawrence give a small nod.
“Haa. This is the worst.”
After the long, dreadful dance finally ended and I returned to the terrace, I let out a deep sigh.
Thirteen times.
That was how many times I’d lightly—but decisively—stepped on Lawrence’s foot.
Lawrence told me to wait for a moment and disappeared somewhere.
“Haa…”
No matter how I thought about it, it was truly the worst.
If I were Lawrence Gerhardt—
Another deep sigh escaped me.
Just then, I heard the curtain rustle and looked up to see Lawrence standing there.
With a drink in his hand.
“Here.”
“…Thank you.”
Lawrence handed me the glass and sat beside me.
“It’s cold. Let’s go back inside soon.”
“Ah, then this—”
“It’s fine. Just keep it.”
When I tried to return the jacket he’d draped over me again earlier, Lawrence shook his head lightly.
An awkward silence settled between us.
I fidgeted with the glass he’d given me, then cautiously spoke.
“I—I’m really fine now. My father and my brothers aren’t treating me harshly anymore.”
I decided to tell Lawrence Gerhardt the truth.
“That is… actually.”
Because that felt like the best consideration I could offer him.
“I threatened my father.”
Lawrence’s brow furrowed instantly.
“…I said I’d reveal to everyone that I’m an illegitimate child.”
I whispered, lowering my voice as much as possible.
Though only Lawrence and I were there, I still wanted only him to hear it.
Lawrence’s red eyes trembled slightly.
The reason I hadn’t been able to tell Lawrence what had happened until now was because I was afraid of arousing his suspicion.
If the Patricia who had endured everything suddenly threatened her father, it might seem strange.
So I was taking a risk now, revealing the truth to him.
It was a rather big decision.
“…After that, he’s been treating me fairly well.”
“…Did the Duke believe you?”
“I think so. I meant it, at least a little.”
Lawrence looked at me with a complicated expression, then turned his head away.
After a moment, he spoke again.
“…Why are you teaching Carlos swordsmanship?”
Caught off guard by the sudden question about Carlos, I fell silent.
Because he wanted to learn? Because he was talented?
I hesitated, unsure how to answer.
Lawrence watched me quietly, then spoke.
“Do you know that the instructor you assigned him is a knight from our family?”
I nodded.
I couldn’t not know—I’d searched specifically for someone with that background.
From the beginning, I’d chosen that instructor hoping word about Carlos would reach Lawrence’s ears.
