COTP 16

Chapter 16

#D-117

……

It was a day where both body and heart drooped under the weight of the damp air.

What sorrow burdened the sky so heavily that it would bore a hole through its own chest?

The rain falling on the world will soon cease and leave no trace, drying up without a sound—but when will the rain pouring down on my heart come to an end?

When will the moisture soaking my chest finally fade?

#D-115

……

Perhaps it was the spring rain that drenched me so thoroughly.

A late-season cold found me at last.

Even by dawn, the feverish heat hadn’t subsided, and he—who came to me late in the night—stayed by my side for a long while.

Holding my trembling hands tightly, he murmured:

“I knew this would happen.”

His red eyes, swallowed in darkness, looked as though they cursed me.

“Bi, inviting suffering upon oneself is a foolish thing.”
“If that’s all you came to say…”

To think that with only a little life left, I must now waste more of it fighting a cold.

It’s true—I was pathetic.

Murmuring in the heat that tormented me, I said:

“Please leave.”

Fighting, raising voices, mocking, sneering—and repeating it all endlessly.

Our wounds grew deeper, but no apologies were ever exchanged.

Is this what makes us husband and wife?

That as much as I wronged you, you also wronged me.
That as much as I hurt you, you hurt me.
And now, as I reflect, perhaps you ached just as I did.

“I have no reason to heed your words, Bi.”
“Nor do you have reason to torment someone who’s sick.”

Clicking his tongue softly at my reply, he leaned in closer.

Our bare bodies met without a gap between.

I shuddered slightly at the warmth he passed to me.

“Your Majesty…”

At my call, he simply whispered, “Shh,” and gently stroked my hair.

I closed my eyes at the strength I felt from his solid form.

In pain, in weakness—I didn’t want to let go of the one who held me now.

It had been so long since I’d felt this.

To be sick. To have someone care for me while sick.

And yet, why—of all people—did it have to be you?

That night, the sound of rain echoed faintly, sorrowfully.

#D-109

……

Largo, I don’t know how many days it’s been since I last opened you.

If I were to offer a small excuse:

Despite his efforts, the cold of the passing season clung to me far longer than expected.

On the worst day, I did manage to pull you out and write down what had happened. But after that, I was overwhelmed by a lethargy I couldn’t overcome.

With my body unwell, everything in the world simply felt like a nuisance.

Even dying one more day at a time.

Now, with the long stretch of spring rain finally ending, the fever that tormented me has passed as well.

The sky after the rain was clearer than ever.

A seven-colored rainbow stretched from the edge of the sky to the end of the earth.

At that very moment, as the evening glow painted the sky a deep blue, Luoyang turned purple and bathed the world in red.

He came to me just as twilight overtook the world.

And handed me a single, strikingly red rose.

I held the tiny flower close to my chest.

The situation felt awkward, maybe even embarrassing, and I lowered my head.

“Do you not like it?”
“How could I not?”

As I answered, I thought—who would dislike receiving flowers?

Its vivid scent colored my breath and softened my heart.

“It’s just… it doesn’t feel like the season for roses yet…”
“And yet it bloomed. The first blossom of the year.”

He smiled, even more beautifully than the rose in full bloom.

“Strangely, the days became warm after the rain ended. It must have thought summer had come.”
“Summer…”

I repeated the oddly refreshing word to myself.

I never thought I’d see a rose before I died.

Even after my last breath, I’m sure I’ll never forget this one.

“Is your health better?”
“Yes, thanks to your concern.”
“That’s good to hear.”

Like sunlight breaking through after rain, he was the first to reach out.

After all our bitter arguments, I accepted the clumsy apology that was finally offered.

#D-104

……

Together, instead of my longed-for hometown, we visited the slums of the principality.

Wearing ordinary clothes and worn-out shoes.

The elegance he was born with clashed with his appearance, making him even more noticeable.

No one would believe he belonged in a place like that.

As I noticed the glances that kept sneaking his way, I realized everyone’s impression was likely the same.

People draw lines—consciously or not—but the slums of the principality were no different from those of the kingdom.

Perhaps the lives of people are the same wherever you go.

The scent of the place was just like where I had lived and where I still lived.

If I found comfort in that scent, like a salmon returning in its spawning season…

Then maybe I, too, am someone who is somehow broken.

#D-103

……

The moment you held me so warmly, the moment I held you so fiercely—I engraved it on my soul.

Tonight, I missed my mother terribly.

Did she, too, recall her memories with the king so fondly?

Maybe, like me today, those memories were the most beautiful in her life.

#D-102

……

What I longed for. What I wished. What I hoped for.

Ah…

Looking back, the few years I spent married to you may have been the happiest of my life.

I haven’t experienced much. Honestly, there’s still so much I have yet to see and hear.

To leave behind a child who resembles me, to walk into the twilight of life that comes with age—

To walk step by step on that green path a poet once sang of so beautifully.

Without thinking deeply, countless unexperienced joys came to mind naturally.

And yet, among the few things I’ve lived through—

The moments spent with you, the times I held you close—I’ll never forget them, even in death.

Before I set out on this eternal journey of no return…

Perhaps I simply wanted to keep being with you.

Not just for the time I have left—but for the eternity this land might allow us.

Looking at the same place, walking the same road, holding hands, falling asleep beneath the beautiful night sky.

On a green path stretching from the shore, touching our foreheads together.

Somewhere, another me would birth a child who resembled both of us.

Living on—contentedly, blissfully.

Maybe that’s all I ever dreamed of.

My dear Largo,

If only you could understand.

This heart of mine.

#D-92

……

The piano I spoke of nearly twenty days ago finally arrived.

It arrived sooner than I expected.

A glossy black enamel finish reflected my image.

Even with death in my fingertips, I could still play countless hymns for God.

How strange.

That you take away my life, and yet I can still offer you praise.

#D-91

……

A new Watcher has been born.

#D-89

My Largo,

While idling in my room, I absentmindedly gazed out the window.

The spring monsoon, brief like life, had ended. The rain faded, and only the bright sun remained.

Pouring down like someone’s future—radiant and unrelenting.

It was a season so rich, as greenery faded and petals dyed the world in hues.

My trembling hands traced each letter with difficulty.

Was it still the lingering chill? Or the cold clinging to me?

Or was it something else?

Though spring had fully arrived, all things revived, and even flowers bloomed out of season—

Only I. Only I.

Still walked through winter.

Both my life and this world.

I thought I’d shaken it all off—that I’d let go of regrets and sorted my heart.

But that was just a thought, a vow.

Still, even now, something would rise unbidden from deep inside me.

Like rolling endlessly down a steep slope.

Ah, my Largo…

Today, the feeling of holding you felt unfamiliar.

My headaches and the numbness in my limbs—

They must’ve stemmed from my anxiety.

For I am not dying because of illness.

“Bi… Your Majesty…”

The soft voice of a young maid.

The one who would soon follow after me and live a life like mine.

I heard her crying.

Bowing low to the floor, collapsed and sobbing, her shoulders shaking in sorrow.

What should I have said to you?

How could I have said it right?

No answer came, no matter how I tried.

Just that—none of this was your fault.

No matter what happens next, none of it is your wrongdoing.

Even though I knew it best of all…

All I could do was watch you tremble in guilt—because I, too, am only human.

And in this moment, silence was the best I could offer.

If I opened my mouth now, I would say things too….