YHTD 10

Chapter 10

I don’t know when it started, but one day Third Master suddenly became especially snarky when he spoke. It was as if his rebellious phase at sixteen or seventeen had been delayed and only just arrived. All the tenderness he once had for me seemed to have been thrown into the sea to feed the fish, leaving me with nothing but the stubborn back of a sharp-tongued young master.

1

The most common example is when it comes to food.

Me: “Darling, what should we eat tonight?”
Third Master (putting on the face of a good boyfriend): “Anything, I don’t mind. Whatever you want, we’ll eat.”

I looked at the shops along the street and casually pointed.
Me: “Then how about pig’s trotters? The grilled trotters on West Street look good, I’ve been wanting to try.”

Third Master: “Oh.” (frowning) “But I hate pig’s trotters.”

Me: “…Alright then. Let’s go to Yoshinoya. Don’t you really like their double combo set?”

Third Master: “Not really in the mood for rice right now.”

Me (already annoyed): “Then… McDonald’s?”

Third Master: “I hate fast food. Don’t want burgers.”

Me: “……Then you tell me, what should we eat?”

Third Master (back to doting-boyfriend mode): “Anything’s fine. Up to you.”

At that point I was so furious I could’ve flipped the table in front of me. I glared at him.
Me: “Go eat sh*t then!”

Third Master (acting horrified): “Baby, you like that?!”

Then, with an exaggerated shy face, he put his fist on his backside, held it out in front of me and said—
Third Master: “Ready?!”

Me: “……”

2

Third Master is always saying he loves my chubbiness. He even claims that back in high school the reason he didn’t bravely pursue me was because I was “as skinny as a monkey back then, not nearly as pretty as now.” If I’d been ten pounds heavier, he says, he “would’ve made a move long ago.”

On one hand I tell myself all men are liars and I shouldn’t believe him, shouldn’t get fat. On the other hand, I can’t help wagging my tail and accepting his sweet words. But this guy can never keep his mouth in check. One careless remark and he’ll say something that hurts me—and himself. (Usually when he hurts my pride, I retaliate by hurting his health.)

One freezing day, I saw girls on the street shivering in the cold, and proudly told him:
Me: “Even though I gained weight, at least my resistance to cold is way better. Others have to bundle up, but I can wear less and still look good!”

Third Master (with a cold laugh): “Stop fooling yourself. No one’s looking at how much you’re wearing. They only look at your face.”

Me: flying spinning kick.

—

When I weighed myself and saw the depressing number on the scale, Third Master walked by, glanced at it, patted my shoulder, and said,
Third Master: “I just love how round you are.”

Me: “What if I got skinny? Would you stop liking me?”

Third Master (serious): “Don’t say nonsense.”

I was about to be touched and happy, when he added:
Third Master: “There’s no way you could get skinny.”

Me: flying spinning kick.

—

One night we were chatting about lunch.
Third Master: “I spent 14 yuan in total.”
Me (proudly): “I only spent 7.”
Third Master (frowning): “That makes me sad. I spent twice as much as you.”
Me (smirking as I comforted him): “Don’t be upset. You weigh twice as much as me, so if you divide it by the meat, we each spent the same per pound.”

Third Master fell silent for a few seconds, then said very seriously:
Third Master: “Stop lying to yourself.”

Me: flying spinning kick.

—

When I registered my Taobao account with my phone number, it told me the number was already in use, so I used Third Master’s number instead. Eventually, almost all of my online shopping accounts were registered with his number. The good part was that whenever I was broke, I could just use his QuickPay. The bad part was—I had zero secrets.

One day he called me.
Third Master: “There was a shipping notification, so I clicked it open.”
Me: “Oh, that’s just a new dress I bought.”
Third Master (cold laugh): “I saw your chat with the Taobao seller. Height: [redacted]. Weight: [redacted]. Hmm?”
Me: “Yeah?”
Third Master (another cold laugh): “So you’ve been tricking me all along, subtracting ten pounds from your real weight. Such a scheming woman.”

In my mind, the little version of me: flying spinning kick…

3

One afternoon, just a few minutes after I woke up, Third Master called.

Third Master: “What are you doing?”
Me (my voice still groggy and soft): “Just got up, heading to the library.”
Third Master: “Oh. I’m gonna nap a bit.”
Me: “Set an alarm for yourself. I might forget to call you, and you have things to do this afternoon, right?”
Third Master: “Okay. But… why are you speaking so gently? Weird…”
Me (confused but secretly pleased): “Am I? Maybe I’m still half asleep.”
Third Master (in a mock-sweet voice): “Ah, I know~ You don’t have morning temper~”
Me (switching to cutesy mode): “That’s right~ Only you have morning temper~ Aren’t I sweet like this? Do you like it?”
Third Master (pausing for a bit): “You don’t have morning temper, but you have athlete’s foot.”

Instantly all my sweetness froze. My voice cleared up completely as I roared so loud the dog downstairs barked in alarm:
Me: “You bastard! Get lost!”

Third Master (cheerfully): “Ah, much better.”

4

Once we went to IKEA with his family. After walking all morning, when we were about to leave, his parents went to the bathroom, leaving just the two of us at the entrance with a pile of stuff.

Out of boredom, Third Master suddenly looked left and right, then stared at me regretfully.
Third Master: “So many people…”

I didn’t know what he was thinking. Before I could ask, he glanced toward the bathrooms and said firmly:
Third Master: “Doesn’t matter. No time. They’re coming out soon.”

I suddenly realized—he wanted to kiss me! I hesitated for two seconds, then closed my eyes.

But after waiting for a while, nothing happened. When I opened my eyes… he was gone.

I craned my neck, hugging a huge vase, and finally spotted him—standing in the long line at the food court.

When he came walking back, happily licking an ice cream cone and holding another one out to me like he was showing off, all I could think was:

If this were a serious romance novel, Third Master, you wouldn’t survive past chapter three. Do you know that?