WTFUDLS 01

Chapter 01

“Ughhh, I’m so nervous.”

Jun-gi muttered, clutching at his hair. Next to him, Noeul took a long sip of iced Americano and said:

“Dude, your breathing itself is content. You’re funny just by existing.”

“Stop exaggerating.”

As Jun-gi glanced at Noeul and told him not to exaggerate, his hair was all messy. He looks even better with his hair messed up, Noeul thought. Jun-gi kept checking the time nervously. The moment Ji-woo was supposed to arrive was getting closer. He nudged Noeul with his arm and said:

“Think about what you wanna eat later. I’ll treat you big. If this goes well, I’ll treat you even bigger.”

“You’d better. Hand over that entire paycheck.”

“Of course. Who else clears their schedule to help a friend’s love life? Seriously, thanks.”

Noeul almost told him not to use words like big thanks with Ji-woo, but stopped himself. Anything that came out of Jun-gi’s mouth would sound cool anyway. Someone like him had no right to tell Jun-gi how to talk. He was here just to play the clown and keep the mood light. He couldn’t let himself think being included meant anything. If he did, he’d just be told he didn’t know his place.

Jun-gi straightened his shoulders, smoothed his clothes, and looked at Noeul.

“Do I look okay?”

“You’d look okay even if you’d been dunked in the Han River and rolled through the mud.”

“Come on, I’m being serious.”

Noeul wasn’t joking at all. Spit on a jewel or smear it with filth—it doesn’t stop being a jewel. Wash it once, and it’ll sparkle again. On the other hand, no matter how much gold dust you sprinkle on shit, it’s still just shit with gold dust.

He sneaked glances at Jun-gi again. Strangely, good-looking people always seemed to have thick hair, sweat less, have tiny pores, straight white teeth. They didn’t seem to feel heat or cold much either. Maybe all these perks came bundled as a default option for the handsome.

Noeul forced himself to stop staring. Otherwise, he’d look like the classic ugly guy jealous of his good-looking friend.

Still, why did Jun-gi worry so much? All he had to do was sit still and say something like Oh really? once in a while and girls would fall for him. Even just a casual Sorry, what did you say? would come off as charming. Charm worked like that. It wasn’t about the words themselves but the body they came from. A good sentence from a twisted face sounded twisted, and a kind act from an unattractive body looked unimpressive.

Jun-gi had to know that. Sure, he always said, What do you mean I’m handsome? but after living with that face for over twenty years, there was no way he didn’t know. You don’t need people to spell it out; you feel it in the air, in their stares, in the atmosphere. Maybe he even enjoyed it—pretending not to know so people would list out exactly how he was handsome.

“Your friend’s here.”

Ji-woo was suddenly standing at their table. When Noeul first heard Jun-gi liked someone, he couldn’t believe it. Jun-gi was always on the receiving end of crushes. But the moment he saw Ji-woo, he got it immediately. She was prettier than most idols—glossy black hair, a delicate face like it was sculpted, catlike eyes, shiny small lips, and even a jewel-like mole under her eye. She didn’t feel real—more like an AI creation.

“Oh. Hey.”

Jun-gi spoke stiffly, like a robot. Ji-woo smirked and sat opposite him. See? Told you, Noeul thought. This was the worst time to mimic Jun-gi’s awkwardness. When a handsome guy likes a pretty girl, people find it romantic. When an ugly guy likes a pretty girl, people find it disgusting. At best, they pity him.

So Noeul’s tactic was simple: treat her like anyone else. Like someone without eyes in her head. Like he couldn’t even register that she was pretty. But not too much—if he said She’s not even pretty, he’d just look insecure. The right stance was something mild, like Ji-woo? Yeah, she’s pretty.

Noeul greeted her with easy humor.

“Ah, I’ve heard so much about you.”

Come in strong, and even people wary of his looks would relax, thinking, Ugly, but at least he’s funny.

Only then did Ji-woo offer him a faint smile.

Noeul didn’t need to glance around to feel it—the stares. Everyone in the café was sneaking looks at the stunning couple of Jun-gi and Ji-woo. And some stares at him too, surely: What’s that guy doing there? He pretended not to notice and kept the conversation going. If he looked cowed, all he’d get was pity. To keep a shred of dignity, he had to ignore it completely.

Under the table, Jun-gi clenched and rubbed his hands nervously. He finally forced himself to meet Ji-woo’s gaze.

“So… you like surfing?”

“Yeah. How’d you know?”

“Oh, uh… your profile pic. I was scrolling through, and saw a photo of you surfing. I wasn’t like, stalking or anything…”

“So what? It’s there to be seen. Do you surf too?”

“I’ve tried it a few times. Not like I’m good at it, though. Um…”

Noeul instinctively knew it was his cue to jump in.

“If you’re not good, then what does that make the rest of us? Worms?”

“Huh? What are you talking about?”

Jun-gi laughed, embarrassed. Exactly, Noeul thought. Just smile like that and she’ll be falling for you soon. Ji-woo looked intrigued.

“You went with your friends?”

“Yeah. It was like Poseidon and the criminals.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, we all rented wetsuits, right? Jun-gi tried his on first, and he looked amazing. So naturally, the rest of us had high hopes. I went next… and I looked exactly like one of those faceless criminals from Detective Conan.”

“What?”

“You don’t know? Google it. Type ‘Conan criminal.’”

Ji-woo pulled out her phone, tapped a few times, and burst out laughing. Jun-gi and Noeul laughed along. Noeul knew he couldn’t get touchy about his looks. He had to joke about them first, even act like he enjoyed it. That way, he came across as chill and funny. He kept the momentum going.

“The day after surfing, we had to head back to Seoul. We drank a ton the night before, especially me. I woke up with my head splitting, lying on some bench in the sun. I was like, ‘Ugh, what the hell?’ and asked this guy why he didn’t wake me. Turns out, all the others had to catch their bus, but Jun-gi stayed behind till I woke up.”

Jun-gi scratched the back of his head sheepishly. Ji-woo’s eyes lit up.

“Wow, that’s loyal.”

“Oh, it wasn’t like that. I didn’t have much to do anyway. Just didn’t feel right leaving him alone.”

Noeul grinned.

“Jun-gi, we call that loyalty.”

Jun-gi and Ji-woo giggled. With the ice broken, Jun-gi relaxed and started talking well, the two bouncing off each other naturally. Now, Noeul knew to ease back and just react when needed. If he kept chattering, he’d come off as an attention-hogging clown.

But he was getting bored. He wanted to go home. Beautiful people could laugh just by looking at each other, but their conversations were dull. The only reason he’d tagged along was because Jun-gi boosted his own reputation. Doesn’t hanging around a good-looking guy make you look even worse? people might ask. But when you’re as hopelessly ugly as Noeul, it doesn’t matter—you’ll look ugly no matter who you’re with. Better to stick with someone like Jun-gi, and be seen as the funny guy hanging with the hot one, than waste time making someone else look better.

Of course, he’d never get more love than Jun-gi. Once, he dreamed maybe he could. But it was delusional. People’s ranks were decided at birth, stamped on their faces for all to see. The best he could do with his face was scrape together some decent reputation. To want more was overstepping. Worst of all would be raging at the unfairness—then people would just dismiss him as insecure. Being ugly meant knowing when to step forward, when to step back, what was reachable and what wasn’t. At least he had the sense to know that much.

“Should we head out?”

Jun-gi checked the time. Noeul pretended to be surprised how late it was. Ji-woo picked up her bag.

Inside, Noeul sighed in relief. Finally, he could go home and crash in peace. What a waste, spending his precious weekend helping someone else’s romance—especially two people this gorgeous. A stray dog would laugh at him. But this was the only way someone like him could live normally among his peers. He couldn’t help a bitter smile.

They stepped out of the café. Ji-woo asked:

“Which way are you guys going?”

Noeul shot Jun-gi a look, basically asking, Aren’t you gonna walk her home? Jun-gi hesitated, unsure. Meanwhile, Ji-woo waved.

“I’m catching the bus over there. See you.”

Noeul thought about pushing Jun-gi again but let it go. They could meet again later. He waved goodbye.

“I’m off to the subway. Take care.”

Bzzz.

Noeul groped for his phone.

[Did you get home safe?]

The name read “Ji Woo.” He tapped the profile picture. It was really her. Weird, he thought, before deciding it was just her keeping up appearances because he seemed close to Jun-gi. That happened often enough. He couldn’t let himself wonder, Maybe she likes me? That way lay disaster. The trick was to just match her energy politely.

[Yeah. You too?]

[Yeah. Today was fun haha]

[Me too lol. Let’s hang out again sometime if we get the chance]

[Seriously, let’s. I feel like I didn’t really get to talk to you today ㅠ]

Noeul snorted.

“Didn’t? More like chose not to.”

He typed:

[Haha maybe. Anyway, good night.]

He added a sleeping fox emoji.

[I’m not sleeping yet. You already in bed?]

What’s this about? Normally, good night plus an emoji was the end of a conversation. Yet she kept it going.

[Yeah, I’m heading to bed now. Why?]

[Don’t you think that’s too early?]

[I always sleep early lol]

[So you wake up early too?]

Noeul couldn’t figure out why she was dragging it on.

[Pretty much. By the way, did you have something you wanted to say to Jun-gi?]

[Jun-gi? No? Why?]

[Felt like you did]

[Huh? Nope lol. I messaged you because I wanted to talk to you]

In that instant, anger flared in him. Why say something like that? Did she want him to hope for something? And then what?

Sometimes people showed interest in him. But they never really liked him. What they liked was the idea that he liked them. Maybe they wanted to taste what it felt like to be adored by a Quasimodo. Noeul couldn’t be sure. But he knew one thing: expecting kindness from others only led to misery.

Her words felt like mockery. Pretty people never realized that their attention could be unpleasant. Saying I wanted to talk to you—Noeul could never say that to anyone. Most people didn’t even want to talk to him.

If Ji-woo showed interest, most people would be thrilled. But his life wasn’t built on the same premises as hers or Jun-gi’s. Thinking about that difference only made him feel wretched.

And wretchedness was something he knew well. He had his methods. The trick was simple: escape before it crushed him.

[Not really… lol. Anyway, I’m going to sleep now. Bye.]

He switched his phone to silent and tossed it onto the bedside.